1. Be happy the way I left things?
2. Have done most of the things I wanted to do?
3. Let those that I care about know how I truly feel?
The anwser to that would be no. And of course I believe as humans we always feel we could have done more, we could have traveled more, loved more, done more for others and etc. Unfortunately, I've been feeling rather blue. Don't know if I should blame it on the time of the month or being single once again during the holidays. I feel selfish doing so because there are those who are no longer able to do either because they are no longer of this earth. I'm getting exhausted with letting myself down and I try to be my own best friend but I've been awful as of late. With the injury to my hamstring a couple of months ago and not being as active as I used to be I feel is creating this huge blue period I'm feeling now. I'm so tired of my complaints and I know that I shouldn't be so hard of myself but who likes a complainer? I do feel much better when I blog my feelings out but feel like actions speak louder than blah blah blah ya know?
I know I am the ruler of my happiness, the one who decides what will excite me and what is a waste of my time. Granted no one is perfect and there will be those times where not trying something will lead to regret, I just feel out of sync. Like I should be in one place but I'm stuck and can't get my foot out of the continuous everyday mundane tasks I call my current life.
It's warm, safe and cuddly in my lonely space. It's easy, no chance of rejection, of feeling lower than I already am. But that's called existing not living. The terms networking, socializing and flirting equal bungee jumping, testing out the highest roller coaster in the world, singing in front of 20,000 people, all of these scenarios freak me the hell out. BUT I know the more I do something the more it becomes habit and the easier it gets. So the key is to plan something and DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Which I've been good with but not so much these past two months.
Just realized something today. Today a person at my workplace who is in a higher position as I answered a question for me (regarding me) without my input. Of course SHE can do that, its perfect. Ummm I am in the same room as you and I do have vocal chords can I answer that question? This made me realize how this person sees me in their eyes. I'm so insignificant that my opinion doesn't count, make a list, she'll do it. This solidified how this person sees me as an employee not co-worker (although I knew it all along) but also made me see that I could and will not work for this person in the future. Thank goodness this person is not my immediate supervisor and I could see that my immediate supervisor didn't appreciate the way this person spoke in my place but it makes me want to do what I've been saying I want to do all along, and that's find a career with more authority.
I'm working on it and for some reason I realize I need to be present in my PRESENT life and stop staking my happiness and all my success for the future.
I believe I need to plan more, workout more and have faith in myself more. I need to snap out of it. I've been using this saying as of late, "It is what it is," when I have to do something I HATE like going to the Dentist, going to the OBGYN, basically anything that deals with poking areas I don't wanted poked by a medical professional. I need a mantra for getting out of my comfort zone. After much research I believe I've found my mantra, "I define myself by my character not my circumstance."
So fear is my motivator, I gotta try the opposite of what I've been doing. The Constanza effect (episode where George from Seinfeld did everything the opposite of what he normally does and finds success).
Til the next time! I got a great feeling about this :)
- Loree
