Somethings Gotta Change

Another tragedy has occurred. The shooting in Newton, Connecticut. 20 children and 6 adults. An Elementary is deemed not safe now. Unbelievable. Everyone is quick to blame the shooter of course but who provided the guns for him to do this heinous crime. His mother. It also seems that she knew he had emotional problems, why she would ever introduce weapons into their home is beyond my comprehension but then again I'm sure her son being the murderer of 26 innocent lives wasn't even a possibility in her mind and something her son was capable of doing. Where were the people who noticed the killer's behavior or actions and thought to themselves, something is not right with this kid and it needs to be addressed but said nothing, did nothing. Whose to blame? That's the question we need to ask. I often wonder what the parents of these killers think once they're children have committed these unthinkable crimes. I believe that not in they're wildest dreams did they ever think that they're child would be responsible for killing anyone. 

It's seems that one thing that needs to be looked into is when a person that you may work with, be friends with are are related to are acting strange and you have a bad feeling that they could cause harm to themselves or someone else, its better to overreact and assume that this person is capable of anything rather than underestimate what they feel. It could prevent a tragic event from occurring.

It seems that these tragedies are occurring on a more frequent basis and it is truly terrifying.  I feel like when these things happen its the powers from above way of telling us that time is promised to no one and that we all should live our lives to the fullest TODAY. Don't plan on enjoying your life in the next day, the next month, or next year, you should do what you love now.

I think individuals today focus so much on what could be rather than what is which makes one miss special moments. You can't rewind time. For the past two days I've been hearing that there is a funeral for a 5 year old and then a 6 year old victim from the Connecticut shooting and it seems incomprehensible.  I can't even process that this is even happening. But when we get relaxed and the rights of individuals become more of a priority than the safety of individuals we as a society should not be surprised when tragedies occur. Columbine showed us that, Virginia Tech showed us that, the movie theater shooting in Colorado has shown us that, now children in an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in Connecticut. It seems that things only change when something drastic occurs and people are nicer to each other, we have serious discussions on the issues at hand and this last only for a few weeks mind you then we're back to the same old same old for most of use. To dwell on the sadness is just too hard. But it does change some of us. 

With that I look at my own life and I am getting tired of being sad because honestly I got it good now. Yeah I'm still single, yeah I don't have a full time job that I love, yeah I don't own my own home but I will. I'm healthy, I have a part time that is paying the bills. I love my body after losing 72 lbs. I know that I will find love, I know I will find the job I love and I know that I'll own my own place I just have to be patient and live and love my life now. Be happy now because I can and these innocent victims cannot.

This is what I've learned and am reminded of. I pray for all the innocent victims and know you are not far from my thoughts. 

Til the next time.

- Loree

Frustration

You just never know what tragedy you will be a part of and how it could easily take your life or remind you how easily it can be taken away. As of late Hurricane Sandy has taught us that.

Which leads me to my frustration with myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for my parents who I love so dearly but honestly I should own my own place or be in a long term relationship or be married. But what helps with the delay of my wishes is something my therapist used to tell me "the relationship I want will happen when I'm ready to accept it." Let me just say I am way past ready. I miss being in a couple but honestly I haven't been out socially in a while. I plan on changing this in December with the following upcoming events I have planned:

1. A Wine and Painting Class with a Meetup Group December 1st
2. Another Speed Dating Event December 13th
3. New Years Event (where not sure yet) December 31st

Not working full time has made me very comfortable not working a 40 hour week. I have a habit of pretending that my credit cards are free cash and have been buying clothes like crazy when honestly I don't need any more! Buying cute clothes for my new size is definitely the magic pill to cure my depressed mood. And as you know any addiction is just a momentary solution and does not change it. I am aware of my spending and honestly I think I have been pretty good about it but I do need to stop with the clothing and shoes shopping. I mean all these cute dresses and shoes and I've been staying home feeling depressed. I want to find my love and find a job I love. But finding and getting a full time employment is like searching for a good man to date. There's too many people with the same qualifications aiming to win that prize. And that prize can basically accept any recipient they'd like because there are so many of us.

It's so FRUSTRATING! And I know I'm the only person who can change my own life. I know it. I believe that planning has a lot to do with it and I just need to really focus on my love life and job search. I also plan on getting a Masters Degree in Finance so school search is another task I need to grasp. So I declare that December will be a great month and 2013 will be one of the best years ever.

Til the next time.

- Loree

Concerts

I've come to the conclusion. Dare I say it? I'm getting too old for certain types of concerts :( I'm at a Deftones concert now and I cannot stand drunk ass people. Give me a seat paid for with cushion any day. Granted its at Rams Head Live in Baltimore the 3rd worst venue I've been to. 1. Jiffy Lube Live 2. Sonar. And I came wayyyy late which was my fault. But yeah I'm getting too old and impatient. Deftones is definitely a concert on my bucket list but damn. Do things when your able cause time waits for no one. I'm outta here when they "go off stage." I think really another reason is because I'm alone which sucks but I'm here for the band. So do what you love when your able cause you never know when your patience will outweigh your desire. Ugg getting older sucks but I thank God that I'm still here:) Til the next time!

-Loree

The Clock Starts Ticking...

You know how sometimes a tragic event that occurs in your life can physically and mentally put everything on pause? My car accident that totaled my car was in August and there was a court date scheduled because the lady who hit me didn't pay the ticket. I had a witness thank goodness and the court date was Thursday, October 11. I actually thought my witness wouldn't show up but he did but guess who didn't...the cop who wrote the ticket! Unbelievable. You know I don't wish any ill will towards anyone but when someone runs a red light I'd like them to be held accountable for it and paying a ticket or getting a point on their license is the least that they should be charged with. BUT with the cop in question not showing up all charges were dropped. Yes I am super pissed but I am also glad it is over. I felt like I was on hold from getting a car and this court date was consuming my every waking moment. Even though the traffic citation was between the State and the lady in question I didn't know if she'd have some big wig lawyer to differ and possibly hold me at fault. Anyway, it is what is is (my new saying) and was out of my control. As the Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." This accident has consumed so much of my time and I'm ready to move on. With that I FINALLY found a car! Its a 2009 Toyota Yaris and its adorable. Red color and it fits me I think. 

More good news I have a second interview with Weight Watchers! It will be a receptionist position and I know does not pay much but I love them so much for helping me lose my weight and I completely and devotedly believe in their program and would love to inspire those who are also on their quest to find their best self. So I'm excited. Yes I'm talking like I already have the job :) but I'm really excited about working for them and the additional income since I've been having a hell of a time finding a job will be a bonus.

I also went to a Grad Fair a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty awesome. I plan on getting my Masters in Finance Management. I want to teach people the best way to spend and save their income for themselves and their families. I'm even considering Grad School out of state since I've never done it and you only live once (that I know of). I'm ultra excited about that. 2012 has been such an awesome year:)

So I do have some things I'd like to focus on the next couple months:

1. Applying to a few Graduate Schools
2. Volunteering
3. Dating

Not necessarily in that order. I will have upcoming post with more details called Fall Happenings.

Til the next time!

- Loree

Speed Dating with Pros in the City and Match.com Happy Hour

Hello All-

So again I've been promising myself to do at least one social event a month and for the month of September I've done two! Pros in the City Speed Dating Event and Match.com Happy Hour Stir Event. I'll start with Pros in the City.

Pros in the City

Well the turn out for men was WAY better this time. I'd say I sped date with 13 guys. I actually was interested in two of them. One was an older gentlemen and the other was a guy from Ireland. It was really interesting and I actually felt no pressure because I didn't really have expectations (which isn't a bad thing). I used to psych myself out thinking that this is it he'll be at this particular event and when I would receive no responses I'd be more depressed and avoid social events for a few weeks afterwards. Although I guess deep down I was hoping that I'd be attracted to at least one guy. Anyway, at the speed dating event the females would sit for the duration at their seat and the guys would get up and spend 4 minutes with each female. It can be a lot of fun or the minutes can feel like an eternity. The guy from Ireland, I'll call him "R" was really funny and had great taste in music (which I love). He was very surprised that I was into British/Irish bands as well. I have a very eclectic taste in music which I think was part of what attracted me to him. The thing with these speed dating events is that once the speed dating is over it can get kinda awkward. Once everyones dating is done you kinda wanna get the hell out of there unless of course you make a connection. So basically everyone left. So it's like you take the test, go home, sleep for the night and then rush to your computer the next day to see the results.  Two guys (including R!) said they were interested in me. The Lawyer (not the older gentlemen I was interested in) who seemed to be absolutely bored and a little stressed out at the dating event was a total turn off and I really wasn't interested in him. I've exchanged two emails with R and that was a few days ago so the ball is in his court. I said we should hang out but rather than pine away and wait I'm going to continue my search, which brings me to the next event:

Match.com Happy Hour Stir Event

Let me preface by saying OY! I believe we females today have a high standard when it comes to the men we want to date and maybe those standards are way to high. I'm sure everyone has noticed those Match.com Stir Up Event commercials that are being created as of late.  The commercials show very attractive men and very attractive women interacting at these events which was basically what I expected. I know that sounds way superficial but I'm just being honest. The event was actually a happy hour at a spot in D.C. and let me tell you it was unorganized to say the least. Anyone could've walked into the establishment and as usual women outnumbered men I'd say two to one especially at these dating event. Deep down I expected as much. There were a few individuals making connections but what I witnessed most were a lot of men just standing around drinking their beverages of choice and groups of women talking to each other. Yes I was one of those women and I remember I read somewhere that a group of women talking among each other is very intimidating for men to approach them. I mean I would totally feel the same if I were the only woman and the guy I wanted to talk to was with a group of his male friends. But alas I didn't see anyone I wanted to talk to or was attracted to so no love connections.

Dating is hard as shit, your basically putting your heart on the line every time but in the end when it works and you find him it's totally worth it. I do still have one credit for another speed dating event so I do plan on doing that when it occurs. When I do these events and no numbers, emails or Facebook pages are exchanged I don't see it as a failure, I use these situations as learning lessons on what I may need to change or do the next time around. Its always good to put yourself out there, you never know when you'll meet the one, it could be on the way to the metro, getting a drink at the bar, meeting your friends at a restaurant, it basically can happen anywhere.

But I think I'm also going to start doing some volunteering and find some activities that include music, drawing and visiting museums which I adore doing. I had lunch with my old boss/mentor and I told her that with the success of obtaining my Bachelor's Degree and weight loss, I am viewing my love life in the same manner. I may have bad weeks where I go to a few events with no love connections or go online and find no connections but the KEY TO SUCCESS TO FINDING LOVE IS NOT GIVING UP. No one is going to bring Prince Charming to my door (unfortunately) so I need to do the work and just keep at it and I will find him. Like a persons' intuition you know what you should do in that current situation and I feel like this is the right path for me to find him.

So I will continue to put my heart and patience out there and hopefully soon I will start actually dating :) Til the next time.

- Loree

Vision Board & Goals

So I've been sending out my resume out like crazy and my brother gave me this brilliant advice to send my resume first thing Monday morning rather than throughout the week (Thanks Joe!). The thought is that with the unbelievable amount of people looking for jobs now, sending your resume during the week will only get lost. When HR receives an email during the AM on a Monday they are more likely to open said email. So I prepared a bunch Sunday Afternoon and emailed them around 9 - 11 AM Monday morning and I actually got a couple of call backs!

Funny thing though, I haven't been motivated in the interviews. I don't know if its because I've been a full time student for the past three years that I just don't wanna deal. Actually I know that its because I'm out of practice. Don't get me wrong I like money and I would like to find a job I love but "in this economy" I feel like I can't be too picky. My goal is to get out of the role of Executive Assistant, Administrative Assistant, anything Assistant but I know that since I just obtained my Bachelor's degree in Management Studies this past May I am considered Entry Level and I'll most likely be an assistant for a while. So I need to deal with that for the time being. In addition I have to find a new car since mines was totaled. Unreal what life can throw at you but I will deal.

I think what will make my head feel less in the clouds is updating that Vision Board that I've mentioned countless times. It is as follows:

1. Date
2. Stop being a homebody, socialize a bit more
3. Visit museums more (at least once a month)
4. Learn Spanish 
5. Learn German
6. Visit Rome, Ireland, Spain, Greece basically travel more
7. Religion - Read the Bible
8. Mediate Every Day and invest more in my spirituality
9. Would love to purchase my dream car which is a Dodge Challenger
10. Buy my own place
11. Sing Karaoke in front of an audience
12. Obtain my Masters in Web Design or Finance (haven't decided which yet)
13. Find a career/job I love and can grow in
14. Get my retirement right

Below you'll find the image of my Vision Board. I need to add #14 which I have. It's so important to prepare for your future because I am assuming that social security will not exist for me when I retire. 

Out of the list, I have been working on 1.) Dating, 2.) Finding a Job - working with Randstad a job placement agency and 3.) Travel More, going to Atlantic City in September which is exciting!

Again, I can't stress how important it is to have your goals out there in front of you. I'm a visual person and it really does seeing this goals first thing when I wake up. So onward and upward!

Have a great Labor Day and til the next time!

- Loree

Meetup Event to 2nd Base?

So on my Vision Board one of the things I wanted to do and basically need to do is date more and be more social. So I went to a Meetup/Happy Hour Event in D.C. It was fun, I wore my green sleeveless dress. <<SIDEBAR>>First I wanna say, I never was comfortable showing my arms but since losing weight and actually doing the weight lifting arm exercises 3 times a week worked! I love my arms! I had a habit of printing out exercises moves but never doing them. It's amazing that if you actually do the exercises consistently it actually works! Anyhow sorry back to my story at hand....

The Meetup Event at a rooftop club had the purpose of meeting new people and raising money for the homeless and they had a great turnout. The crowd was supposed to include people in their 30s and 40s but there definitely were older individuals and younger which brings me to the story here. I met up with my cousin and another close friend and we were conversing with people. The first guy we spoke with had to be 2 inches from my cousins face, he reminded me of the "close talker" in that episode of Seinfeld. Well when he finally had to use the men's room and gave us a break a young guy came up to us asking which one of his friends we thought was the hottest. I'm thinking, he and his crew definitely were under the age of 30 crowd because that question is very high schoolish but I digress we answered the question. My cousin and I agreed that it was the Blonde Adonis sitting on the couch. I mean this kid was ridiculous. So next thing we know he is calling this kid over and he looked even better close up! Insane, great hair you can run your fingers through but the sides were close shaven, biceps and you could tell he had a six pack and a smile that made, me at least, feel like 12 year old girl. But one thing we noticed Adonis couldn't stay still which made me think he was definitely on something medicinal (legal or illegal I don't know). Oh did I mention that he and his friends work for a medical establishment? They all came to the happy hour in their medical smocks, I'm sure to show that they are the sh*t and work in the medical profession. So funny. Anyhow Adonis eventually left and went dancing on the dance floor. He basically danced the whole night through. Well he had 3 other friends also in the medical profession, another Caucasian kid, a "Harry Belafonte lookalike" and an African American kid. We spoke to them for a bit then danced for a bit. Then the club switched over the music to lounge music indicating we needed to get the hell out, party is over. This was around 9:30/10:00 pm. So my cousin, and our friend and I walked outside the club.

As we are leaving who do we see getting into a taxi fan. The medical crew! They asked us to go with and said they were headed to another club and would we like to join. Now mind you, Adonis was there and cute "Harry Belafonte" so we said what the hell. Now the next part of this story I advise no young lady to do on their own. Honestly we shouldn't have done it as a group as well. Instead of heading to the club we were heading to "Belafonte's" place. The reason being he had to change. So we were like ummmmm o.....k...... We were very hesitant but we ended up going anyways. When we went to "Belafonte's" place, Adonis was there, the kid who sparked the conversation was there, another Caucasian male was there and an African american male was there. All five guys were with us at the Meetup. Anyhow they were taking they're sweet ass time changing! I mean they put on music, and asked us if we wanted to smoke (and I don't mean cigarettes). In unison we ladies said "NOPE." So they asked if we wanted a drink, we also said "NOPE," again. Honestly I felt like I was watching a movie that was either a comedy or beginnings of a tragic story. These guys seem cool and I didn't get any bad vibes from them but you never know. Anyhow, the Caucasian kid left and so did the kid who introduced us so all. So all that was left was the African American guy who was into our friend. Adonis who was into all of us and Belafonte who was into me. 

These guys were definitely trying to get some but doing a poor job. I mean Belafonte left the room for second and came back shirtless. I mean seriously! LOL But <<SIDEBAR>> Belafonte did have a great body, six pack and all but I digress. Belafonte and I danced a bit and O.k. just so we're clear I had to look up 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Base in regards to relationships to make sure I'm using the right terms correctly. Went to wiki answers states that 2nd base is defined as " 2. rubbing, touching, normally over clothes, ( http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_each_base_-_first_second_and_third ).", Which I would say Belafonte got to with me and our friend and Adonis (the African American kid feel asleep LOL) danced a bit and my cousin well she's in a relationship so she kept to herself. 

Long ass story short we ended up leaving because the Washington D.C. Metro system for the 100th time were doing track work and I had to shuttle between two stations which meant getting home was going to be a nightmare and very late on my own. We tell the guys we gotta go, went outside, "Harry Belfonte" walked us out but asked us to wait they were coming. We waited 30 seconds and left. Belfonte called asking why we left and we (with the permission of the taxi driver) blamed it on the taxi driver. Then I lost the connection. I went to the metro station and surprisingly Belfonte called me back asking for me to return and I told him I'm halfway home and said he would hit me back the following weekend. That was 3 weeks ago and I've yet to hear back which is totally cool and what I totally expected.

But let me say I had a blast! It's been a while since I've interacted with the opposite sex and having a guy interested in me was a definite confidence booster. He was really cute and had an amazing body. So I think I'm at a good start with the socializing, I have another speed dating event on Friday September 9th and a Stir Event by Match on September 17th so we'll see how those goes and I'll report back. 

Bottom line is as in all things "PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT." I'm coming to the conclusion that it doesn't have to be so difficult and that my love is out there.  

Til the next time!

- Loree

1st Dating Experience in Years!

Well I did it! I signed up for a Fastlife Speeding Dating event. I haven't been on a date in YEARS! It happened this past Thursday, August 9, 2012 and the theme was tall men between the ages of 32 - 46. I had a coupon and that was the only theme they had besides a Hindu dating theme and you guessed it I'm not Hindu. Well guess what? There were supposed to be 12 Guys for 12 Girls and two yes only two guys showed up! As usual more women then men showed up to the dating event. I notice that all the time for each speed dating event ad online there is ALWAYS ALWAYS MORE MEN NEEDED! I don't know if its the D.C. area or if men are just flaky in this area or if there's just too many freaking women around. Fastlife did say they would credit us for another event. As frustrating as it was they allowed us the opportunity to have a free drink, appetizers and speed date with the two gentlemen that actually showed up. So I and another woman said what the hell and did the date.

Date #1

Brian.* He was very well traveled, works in IT and is from the D.C. area. He was African American and o.k. looking to me at least. He did have pretty light brown eyes, but they kind of looked like contacts. His eyes were so wide I felt like I was getting the third degree rather a friendly dating session. Oh and he never smiled. He did ask me out and I said o.k. (even though deep down I wasn't going to call him) and the date lasted 8 minutes. Then ding on to the 2nd date of the evening...

Date #2

Victor.* Was a gentlemen who worked in the Financial Industry. He just moved here from Florida I believe he said and lives in Tyson's Corner, VA. He is native from Russia and had a really cute accent. He also didn't smile, and I know I was smiling. He was really cute but I didn't get any romantic feelings from him. He did say he was interested in me and that was solidified when I got an email from the organization saying he was but I've yet to hear from him. Unbelievable! So I don't know if I should bother contacting him at all. That was Friday, August 10th and today is the 13th. Ugggh.

Anyways, the thing that blows my mind about this event is these guys paid for these events and didn't bother showing up. To my recollection the women that did show up were attractive and there was variety. Three African American Females, One Asian Female and One Caucasian Female. But this will not stop me from trying it again. I actually had fun. It was nice to get all dolled up in my cute yellow dress and heels. So I plan on doing another event either at the end of this month or September. I think the more I do the more comfortable I'll get with the opposite sex since the really cute ones make me feel like 12 year old girl with her first crush.

Also I thought this would be better than the online dating since I haven't been getting responses from men I'm interested in and the ones who contact me I don't even have a quarter teaspoon of interest in. I am a part of OK Cupid, and How About We. So I plan on putting those two on hold and open a Match.com account so we'll see how that goes. I did get told I was beautiful and fit from both dudes which makes it sound like I needed they're validation but I don't. But it still feels good to hear.

I am loving the new me and I can't wait til I find my man wherever the hell he is :) Till the next time!

- Loree

*Names changed cause honestly I don't remember them.

Time to Cool Down...

I've been known to be a a very chilled type of person. I don't let things get to me unless it's life threatening and even then I try to put it into perspective. My accident last week came out of nowhere (which defines an accident I know) but I've gone from pissed to what can I do to rectify this situation. This took about a week to accomplish and I've stopped letting it consume my every waking thought?


Since having one of my best friend pass away from bone cancer about three years ago I really don't let things get to me because I'm here and she isn't and I shouldn't be complaining about anything. But human nature does happen and I forget but I think its important to really reflect, breathe, see the situation and move on from it. 


Looking for a job and looking for love are my two main objectives now although the love part can be a bit tricky :). And I'll be honest I have been really nonchalant about finding love. I still have those self esteem issues but I do plan on going to a Speed Dating Event on August 9th and will be my goal to do at least one date related activity a month. 


I guess my main objective is to procrastinate less and do more activities. I've yet to work on my vision board and I started to let the job search consume me so I've decided not to look at the job wanted posts every day. Sunday, Wednesday and Friday are the days I will be looking for employment. Thursdays are my days of where I go to weight watchers meetings and work on my artwork. Basically its "ME" day. Yes I draw, I used to do it in high school then "BILLS, RESPONSIBILITIES, WORKING, COLLEGE" came into play and I stopped. I love drawing and will post some of my work in later posts.



I guess the bottom line is to have a plan in place because time waits for no one. I mean tomorrow is August 1st where the heck did the Summer go?



I've been meaning to mediate in the mornings as well but that has faltered so I'm thinking before I go to bed but have yet to do that. So as I am a person who likes her "To Do Lists," I've created an alarm on my phone for mediation time to reflect on the day that has past and to prepare for the coming day and I'll start tonight!


"Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." - M. Scott Peck


Til the next time!


- Loree

Fear of Failure

Wow what a weekend. Not in the good way but yes you guessed it in a bad way. Horrible tragedy of Colorado regarding the shooting in a movie theater. That could have happened at any time and at any place and its unfortunate that it happened to anyone. How terrifying that moment must have have been when these poor people realized that the man in the riot gear was there to kill as many people as he could. Every time a tragedy like this occurs we all look to see who is at fault. Unfortunately when you hit the age of 18 years old we have no control over they're actions until that action causes someone harm or in many cases someone's death. This is why I feel that intuition is so important. I'm positive that his parents had that little voice of intuition that said my boy has issues maybe we should do something about this or maybe a coworker may have seen something even the gun/ammunition salesman who sold him 300 rounds. Although I hear that purchasing 300 rounds of ammo is an average purchase for a huntsman in Colorado which in itself is terrifying. What does a person do? I think we need to be more involved and reach out to those who seem to be lost because it could may breach the line of harming someone else or themselves.

Then on Saturday I was a victim of a red light runner. I had the green light and this lady just ran right into me. Thank god we both came out o.k. but I became SO ANGRY more than anything else. My car is paid off, I only have a part time job and my school loan payments start in November and I'm having a hell of a time (like the rest of America) finding a job and the car may be totaled. But I thank God that it wasn't my time and he kept me safe.

Now the only thing I feel like I have control over is my weight loss and the doctor told me that I need to take it easy and not work out in one week! ONE WEEK! And that is what I'm pissed off the most about. When my parents picked me up at the hospital my mom said why don't we stop at McDonald's for a treat since I had such a rough day. I am proud to say that I told her I didn't want to comfort myself with food anymore. That is a big thing. A Extra Value Meal Number 1 (which is Big Mac, Large Fries and Medium Drink) with a hot fudge sundae with extra fudge and nuts was my go to "make me feel good" meal, but I told myself this lady who hit me is not going to ruin my body like she ruined my car in the accident.

So the main reason for this post is FEAR. I've lost 57 lbs now and have 14 lbs left to lose to reach my goal and I'm scared that not working out this week is going to screw me over. I'm terrified! I've been eating the same way I've been eating, healthy but I have that FEAR that I've come this far and I don't want to backslide back again. Ugg but I do realize that life will happen, accidents will happen and I just have to deal with the situation at hand and rise above it. It is only one week. My body and better eating has to last me a lifetime and I understand that hurdles will appear. I mean I could have broke something on my body and been out of commission longer so one week is really nothing.

Just goes to show with the tragedy in Colorado and my car accident on Saturday, July 21st you never know what life will throw on your path to slow you down. The key is to deal with the cards you are dealt and move on if you can and that living each to its fullest should be as common an activity as brushing your teeth everyday because you never know when will be your last as Erie as that may sound.

Til the next time.

- Loree

Characteristic Attributes of My Man

Ahh to be in love.... I wouldn't know since I've never been in love that is. I'm 37 years old and I've never been in love. Yes it's true. I've been in love with characters in movies and tv shows but that's not real love obviously. I think its really sad because I feel like there were opportunities and great guys in my past but I didn't try because of a lack of self esteem and fear of rejection. Ugg! I haven't dated in a very long time. I was never allowed to date in high school (my father was uber strict since I was the only girl with two brothers). I had a maniacal relationship in my 20's which pretty much made me want to stay away from men altogether. That resulted in me staying away from dating anyone else for a good 10 - 12 years.....

My god that kind of hurt to type but yes I haven't had a romantic relationship in over a decade. I've had a date here and there but nothing serious. Now that I'm becoming more confident because of my weight loss and my bachelors I recently obtained, I really want romance, and intimacy from a man who honestly feels the same feelings for me. There are times where I feel so sad at night as I lay in my bed and I think to myself:

"Damn I know he's out there but where the hell is he?"
"Will I meet him tomorrow?"
"Have I met him and I'm just a blind idiot?"
"Lord will I ever be in love?" 
I wasn't in love in that disaster of a relationship but as my therapist stated I survived that bad relationship and it showed me what I do not want in the future. Back then all I wanted was a cute guy who showed an interest in me and basically that was it and guess what, that's what I got. Now that I'm older I still want that cute guy but a cute guy with substance. 

Thinking about what I want in a mate makes me remember a conversation I had with my cousin on the subject. She was single at the time too and we were discussing that with technology why can't we just custom order the man we want? I mean smart phones can basically do everything but drive you to work how about working on finding the perfect mate for your smartphone owner? But the more I thought about that the more I realize of course is that no one is perfect and how boring it would be to get exactly what you want. What fun is that? I love happy surprises. So finally getting to the topic at hand:

The Characteristic Attributes I'd like in My Man are as follows (not in order of priority):

• Great sense of humor
• Great sense of style
• Respectful of others no matter what level or education or career they may have
• Good looking or sexy
• Responsible with their finances but not stingy
• Educated but not condescending (god I hate that!)
• Doesn't sweat the small stuff (avoids getting angry over petty things)
• Respects his elders
• Open to thinking outside the box (whether that is different cultures or opinions they do not necessarily agree with)

Now I love television but television and the media for that matter have royally screwed me up when it comes to the type of man I want in my lives. Gorgeous men with gorgeous bodies who are sexy and strong (True Blood I'm talking to you). When I was overweight I wanted an Adonis but told myself "why would an Adonis want a woman like me?" As the media and television program constantly tell us a hot man only only wants hot woman. But that is so far from the truth. O.k. it's true sometimes but its not the only truth. Note I didn't say why would an Adonis want an overweight girl with low self esteem, those two are not always necessarily linked. A curvy, plus size woman who is completely confident in her size can totally get an Adonis, I've seen it. It really comes down to self confidence and being open to the relationship you want.

I personally was not comfortable in my own skin when I was overweight so I didn't expect a man (with the attributes above) to want me so I just didn't bother dating altogether. I was getting the attention from men I was not attracted to at all and basically politely declining their advances. Now I think making a list of what I'm looking for will help me focus my attention on men I'm interested in and realize that hey I'm a catch too for god sake. Also, I do realize to find a man with every single attribute on my list would occur with the help of Jeanne and her bottle but I'll still be putting it out there in the ether and hope that it will find its way to God's inbox of things he needs to do :).

Putting myself out there is so scary but I am ready to take that chance. I actually signed up for a speed dating event on August 9th and am going to happy hour on July 27th. Socializing terrifies me but I'm tired of being a hermit in my own home. I'll report on those events later. I've found in my journey that as with my weight loss and continued education no one can change and improve your life better than yourself. Remember you know what will make you happiest.

Til the next time!

- Loree 

Goals, 1, 2 & 3 Years from Now...

Knowing one's goals is great but it'a really important to actually write them down and take a look at them, well at least for me. I am a visual person and in order for me to accomplish tasks they have to be written down in an organized fashion so I can check them off as I complete them. If it isn't written down for me to see and touch it procrastination will ensue and I'll do maybe 1 or 2 things on that mental list if I'm lucky. A written poster size version with photos is the way to go for me. I was watching an Oprah episode years ago and she said its important to have a hard copy of your goals an item called a vision board to visualize and see your goals. Place them in a place where you will walk by and see it every day. "A dream collage is pictures of your goals. It is like your future photo album," Bo Bennett. I love that quote. Seeing your vision board everyday will motivate you and remind you of those goals every day you walk by them. Just grab a magazine and cut out photos for your vision board or even print some photos if you can't find exactly what you need and cut and paste them on your vision board. I created my first vision board back in February 2009 as follows:

• Wavy Boxes: Indicate what I Accomplished
• Boxes w/Arrows: Indicate what I want to accomplish
• Heart Shape: I was just proud of myself for making the Dean's List :)

Goals at the time were (note the ones bold and italicized I've accomplished YAY FOR ME!):

1. Fitness/Lose Weight
2. Visit Rome, Italy
3. Visit Ireland
4. Visit Spain
5. Visit Greece
6. Learn French, German and Spanish
7. Learn more about the Catholic Religion and Religion in general
8. Mediate more
9. Save for a Dodge Challenger (my dream car)
10. Draw more
11. Get my Bachelor's in Management Studies & Certificate in Web Design
12. Learn Guitar
13. Date more
14. Buy my own loft
15. Do Yoga
16. Meditate and focus on my spirituality

Looking at my old vision board there are a few things I'd like to change. That's the thing about our present and future goals they are ever changing and its funny how what you think you wanted just three years ago today can be something you have no desire to accomplish or is no longer important to you presently. The bold and underlined items below are from my original vision board that I've yet to accomplish and those not are new:

1. Date
2. Stop being a homebody, socialize a bit more
3. Visit museums more (I used to go at least once a month)
4. Learn Spanish and German
5. Visit Rome, Ireland, Spain, Greece basically travel more
6. Religion - Read the Bible
7. Mediate Every Day and invest more in my spirituality
8. Would love to purchase my dream car which is a Dodge Challenger
9. Buy my own place
10. Sing Karaoke in front of an audience
11. Obtain my Masters in Web Design or Finance (haven't decided which yet)
12. Find a career/job I love and can grow in

As Eleanor Roosevelt said “It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan.” So a timetable is just as important as having that list. So my fantastic Therapist recommended I create a 1, 2 and 3 year goal which you will find below. Although I do plan on creating a vision board as well, I believe this will help give myself a time frame on when I expect to complete these tasks. Being the procrastinator that I am it's important to give myself deadlines. 


1 Year Goals:

• Socialize and Date More
• Find time to do things I love (continue to draw, visit museums, live concerts)
• Learn Spanish
• Find full time employment
• Apply to schools for my Masters to start Fall 2013
• Start to pay off some debt and school loans

2 Year Goals:

• Go on a well deserved trip
• Continue to learn a foreign language
• Now that I am working money isn't such an issue so time to save and invest (since social security is most likely to be non-existent when I retire)
• Save for my own place
• Focus on obtaining my masters while working

3 Year Goals:

• Treat my parents to a trip to France
• I'd like to be in a long-term relationship
• A child???

It's pretty easy to figure out what I want now but looking 2 years from now and even 3 years from not is much harder. I know my priorities will most likely change and I'm not sure what life will bring, a new love, husband, kids, career I'll adore and completely excel in? What will occur in the next 1, 2, 3 years will be the determining factor of what goals will change or stay the same or be removed all together. I do think that this is a great starting point. I'll be working on that vision board and posting it up on a later date.

Til the next time work on that vision board!

- Loree

Accomplishments

Although I feel as human beings our lifetime goals should be to better improve ourselves, we should also recognize and recompense ourselves once we accomplish those goals. I for one have neglected myself in the past and really have been a terrible friend to myself until now. What do I mean by that well I’m always blaming myself for not putting myself out there to get a guy, not trying harder to be more physically fit and being comfortable with looking at myself in the mirror. I also accepted the fact a few years back that I will never find a job I love, a man I love and friends who would understand and accept me for me. It was a complete pity party but now something changed.

I’m not sure what it was that snapped me out of the snafu I was feeling but once I completed one goal, another completed goal occurred it was an awesome trend. It really started with joining Weight Watchers. It was the perfect plan for me. I like things organized, give a plan that I can follow and I’ll accomplish it. I constantly did this with school work and my job at the moment but never really focused on my physical health. So below are my accomplishments large and small. I’ve come to realize that as great as it is listing one’s goals it is also important to list one’s accomplishments because it is a big deal. We accomplished what we set out to do and our accomplishments are limitless.

My accomplishments (not in order of importance since they are all important to me):

• Losing 53.6 lbs since November 12^th as of July 8, 2012 (woo hoo!). This has been an ongoing struggle for me since high school and I finally now learned not to treat food as a reward but as nourishment.
• Obtaining my Bachelor’s Degree in Management Studies and obtaining my Certificate in Web Design from the University of Maryland University College.
• Made the Dean’s List at my University with a GPA of 3.7 (Ow!).
• Not letting people’s opinions define my opinion of myself.
• Making a promise to myself to try new things (still working on this) for example:

o   Yoga Class in D.C.

o   Pole Class in D.C.

o   Speeding Dating Event which is scheduled for August 9, 2012

• Took a drawing class (I used to love to draw and found it therapeutic)

So this is a running list of course because as human beings it is our goal to think outside the box and even shock ourselves to what we can accomplish. So I am finally aware of my accomplishments and am proud to say PROUD OF MYSELF J

No Power

So Saturday, June 30, 2012 we had an insane storm called Derecho. A derecho is a widespread and straight-lined windstorm that often has a band of rapidly moving thunderstorms associated with it. These conditions are ripe for generating multiple tornadoes that can cause severe damage with winds from 80 - 100 miles per hour! It was awful and so scary. The winds felt like it was about to suck out the windows. The bad weather came without warning as it usually does nowadays and we lost power.  So with a 100 plus degrees (yes we reached 114 here in MD) we luckily had our brother’s house to go to who lives about a mile from us so thank god for that and thank god we are safe. BUT…without the internet and without cable it’s pretty amazing how we all depend on technology. My brother doesn’t have either (offline because of the storm) but we have power and air conditioning which we are very thankful.

My brother and his fiancé are playing host to my other brother, mom and dad and it’s been ok but there’s nothing like sleeping in your own bed. But I’d rather be cool plus it gives me time with the family and gives me the opportunity to delve into the other things I’ve been meaning to get into like:

• Working on my brother’s website for his business
• Reading a novel I bought a month ago “The Woods by Harlen Coben”
• Working on my next drawing on a male model

I remember outages would last a couple of hours maybe a day at the most when I was little but now our electric company is telling us it could take to up to a week! We actually got it 2 days later but had no internet, tv or telephone. So I’ll deal because let’s face it I have no choice. During the storm I also realize how I really hate being single. Yes I love my family no doubt about it but I go into the envious stage when I see my brother and his fiancé hell when I see my mom and dad. I think to myself of how I wish I had a boyfriend and how I could totally stay with him but alas it is not the current situation. I also have been a bit more proactive with my online dating and have been messaging guys I’m interested in but no bites yet. So instead of giving up (which I usually do) and saying dammit I’ll never find anyone, I’ve started to stop my self-defeating thinking and am continuing that search. Just need to keep telling myself that I am one woman and I honestly just want to find that one right man.

I also tried this new class on Thursday at the P Spot Fitness Studio in D.C. It’s a pole dancing fitness class and it was awesome but let me tell you the day after I couldn’t walk down the stairs and then a day later I couldn’t lift my arms so they literally kicked by ass. It took four days to recover. A lot of squats, situps and with the pole hanging on and using the body weight to lift your body child I’m in pain but it’s going away and I LOVED IT! I don’t know if it’s because I’m more physically active but alas.

As far as eating it’s was bad the first weekend of the blackout. I can use the storm as an excuse but being removed from my usual environment has totally screwed my plan a little bit. I ate French Toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, spaghetti and ground beef with spaghetti sauce. Man it was delicious but not on my Weight Watchers eating plan but its ok, I’ll chalk up this weekend as a loss and get my ass into gear this Monday. I know I can do it. This weekend I’ve been bad and seriously I didn’t have a choice since choices are limited when you food spoils due to a power outage but I'm confident that I'll succeed and get back on my fitness and eating plan which I did :)

Automatic Thoughts and Distortions

I'd like to start off with a funny story (well funny to me at least), I went to Forever 21, (great clothes for great prices and not only for under 21 year olds), and grabbed a few shirts and jeans and tried them on. When I looked in the mirror I was hesitant.....I thought to myself "I think there's something wrong with this mirror." I thought maybe they had discounted mirrors too and used the same ones the Circus' use. You know the kind that makes big people tall and thin and vice versa. CRAZY I know. Nope that's you girl. I couldn't believe that I wasn't believing my own eyes. People are even commenting and asking me how I lost the weight and honestly, not to toot my own horn, I am really proud of myself. What I did was I applied the same principles I have with past success in my life which as of late was my place of employment. I have been always successful in creating a great resume, great interview and to be the best employee I can be. But that took care of my employers, what about taking care of myself?

So I took the weight loss (with the help of weight watchers and wii Zumba and wii Golds Gym Boxing ) one day at a time and knew that I gained the weight slowly I just have to be patient and lose it the same way and it totally worked. I did say at New Years this year that 2012 is Loree's year and I've been heavy for most of my life so I am loving the change. BUT... I'm still getting used to the attention. I notice guys noticing me a bit, smiling a bit more and I am at a loss of what to do next. Seriously I thought that those feelings go away as you grow older but nope. When I spot a cute guy I get the same feeling I did in elementary school, high school just total shyness and then I convince myself already that I am not worthy of this dude and I haven't even spoken to him yet! I now realize I have to approach dating in the same manner, take it nice and slow and I won't have a man overnight, finding the right one takes time as it should.

My therapist, who really is opening my eyes, gave me reading material on "Automatic Thoughs and Distortions." I told her that how in high school and even past employment I would have crushes on guys who I felt were way out of my league when in fact I now am slowly believing I may have had a chance with some of them! It only took me 37 years to realize that but at least I'm realizing it. I believe out of the distorations I suffer from:

• Assuming - I so assume things without even testing if the evidence. Damn he's hot, why bother he won't be into me. Why are they laughing? Is it my outfit? That's like assuming a criminal did the crime without investigating the crime.
• Overgeneralizing - The few guys I've had bad experiences with I just assume that all men are the same and that is so not true.
• Dwelling on the Negative- I learned years ago that I suffered with this but I actually am pretty good at NOT dwelling on the negative. Its a waste of time and really what's done is done you just need to learn from it and move on.
• Unfavorable Comparisons - I did this too a while back. I have this gorgeous cousin and I used to always compare myself to her. She is thin and I am not (although I am LOVING my shape now). But why would I want to be the same. I love being unique. There's nothing wrong with being different, its refreshing.

These categories really helped me understanding that I need to stop myself from thinking on the negative side of things. It only defeats me.

SOCIALIZING

So my goal this past two weeks was to socialize. I want to start dating again and my therapist said that I should have a small party. I didn't because my cousin had a party with mostly her boyfriends friends and family and some of our common family members. New people I've never meant, I think this can qualify as socialing with new people. BUT.... I took the easy route and stuck with my family. I know I should have been socializing outside with the people I haven't meant. I do realize that I should've introduced myself and interacted more but my mom and cousins (whom I'm very close with) were my easy out. So I think I failed in that task but I realize it and am up for another challenge.

There is an art showing in Virginia called Artomatic that I've been wanting to visit it. I think I will use that as an opportunity to go and have fun and (GULP) socialize. I'll let you know how that goes. Til the next time!

- Loree

The Butterfly is slowly leaving the Cocoon!

UPDATE****
Wow what an amazing first 5 months of 2012! I decided on November 12th, 2011 (my mom's birthday) to join weight watchers. I was getting tired of complaining about my size, tired of blaming my weight for not dating and being "out there." Also was tired of people who were overweight with me were losing weight in front of my eyes and I was staying the same. I also was getting tired of Jennifer Hudson's feeling good (although I admire her greatly). Well to date I have lost 51 lbs! I can't believe it! I honestly did not give myself enough credit. Getting through the holidays was hard but I told myself that I focused so much on my education and employment but never my physical fitness. I have 20 lbs to go to get to my goal which I'm confident I WILL accomplish. So now I can't blame my weight anymore. I also notice that men are noticing me, not sure if its my size of that I don't have the coat of weight to hide the real me that I feel has been hidden all this time. I am so proud and do believe that we accomplish anything if we put our minds, heart and soul into it. Which I have done.

I also finally obtained my Bachelors in Management Studies and Web Design Certificate from UMUC. I'm really proud of myself. :) Now the next goal is to find a job in addition to continue doing what I love. I took  a drawing class (I used to draw all the time in high school), I'm into the whole DIY (do it yourself trend). Made my own Radiohead t-shirt, bought some spray paint to refurbish some pumps and flats and now have a groupon for yoga and pole dancing (yes pole dancing exercise). Which sounds like alot of fun. I think before I felt like I wasn't worth being happy and I now know that I am worth being taken care of. The best person to do that is MYSELF! I am a very independent woman but back in my mind I had these romantic inclinations that some gorgeous guy would find me (in my past depressed and sad state) and would love me and take care of me. I call it the Prince Charming syndrome. Yes even at this age there is a part of me that has that hope that I will be taken care of. I blame Disney for that. How can I expect him to love me when I felt like I wasn't worth being loved because of past mistakes I've made.

I knew I needed help, to speak to someone who can help me beat these demons I call it trying to keep me down. So I started seeing this therapist and she opened my eyes. We tend to forget that we as humans WILL make mistakes. That as long as we are aware of these mistakes and we ask for forgiveness and are really sorry for what we've done we can move on. I for a long time would ask for forgiveness but believed that I wasn't worth that forgiveness and then slowly the lack of self worth came back creeping in and slowly tearing down my happiness. I now know that this is a self-defeating and am now aware of it and am working on it. I am slowly realizing that yes, I am worth happiness.

Anyhow my goal for the summer is to have fun, continue to eat better, continued to workout and stay with the program, and do what I love. I am slowly finding out that I will find my love. It will be during my enjoyment of my present life because submitting to the whoa is me attitude that I'll never find my man is waste of my time literally. It really doesn't help anyone to cry over things or PEOPLE I can't control. The only person that loses is me.

So I am loving myself more and more and peeling back the layers of darkness that have been covering my authentic self. If feels good to feel that I am emerging and finally have arrived.

Til the next time:), Loree