Wow what an amazing first 5 months of 2012! I decided on November 12th, 2011 (my mom's birthday) to join weight watchers. I was getting tired of complaining about my size, tired of blaming my weight for not dating and being "out there." Also was tired of people who were overweight with me were losing weight in front of my eyes and I was staying the same. I also was getting tired of Jennifer Hudson's feeling good (although I admire her greatly). Well to date I have lost 51 lbs! I can't believe it! I honestly did not give myself enough credit. Getting through the holidays was hard but I told myself that I focused so much on my education and employment but never my physical fitness. I have 20 lbs to go to get to my goal which I'm confident I WILL accomplish. So now I can't blame my weight anymore. I also notice that men are noticing me, not sure if its my size of that I don't have the coat of weight to hide the real me that I feel has been hidden all this time. I am so proud and do believe that we accomplish anything if we put our minds, heart and soul into it. Which I have done.
I also finally obtained my Bachelors in Management Studies and Web Design Certificate from UMUC. I'm really proud of myself. :) Now the next goal is to find a job in addition to continue doing what I love. I took a drawing class (I used to draw all the time in high school), I'm into the whole DIY (do it yourself trend). Made my own Radiohead t-shirt, bought some spray paint to refurbish some pumps and flats and now have a groupon for yoga and pole dancing (yes pole dancing exercise). Which sounds like alot of fun. I think before I felt like I wasn't worth being happy and I now know that I am worth being taken care of. The best person to do that is MYSELF! I am a very independent woman but back in my mind I had these romantic inclinations that some gorgeous guy would find me (in my past depressed and sad state) and would love me and take care of me. I call it the Prince Charming syndrome. Yes even at this age there is a part of me that has that hope that I will be taken care of. I blame Disney for that. How can I expect him to love me when I felt like I wasn't worth being loved because of past mistakes I've made.
I knew I needed help, to speak to someone who can help me beat these demons I call it trying to keep me down. So I started seeing this therapist and she opened my eyes. We tend to forget that we as humans WILL make mistakes. That as long as we are aware of these mistakes and we ask for forgiveness and are really sorry for what we've done we can move on. I for a long time would ask for forgiveness but believed that I wasn't worth that forgiveness and then slowly the lack of self worth came back creeping in and slowly tearing down my happiness. I now know that this is a self-defeating and am now aware of it and am working on it. I am slowly realizing that yes, I am worth happiness.
Anyhow my goal for the summer is to have fun, continue to eat better, continued to workout and stay with the program, and do what I love. I am slowly finding out that I will find my love. It will be during my enjoyment of my present life because submitting to the whoa is me attitude that I'll never find my man is waste of my time literally. It really doesn't help anyone to cry over things or PEOPLE I can't control. The only person that loses is me.
So I am loving myself more and more and peeling back the layers of darkness that have been covering my authentic self. If feels good to feel that I am emerging and finally have arrived.
Til the next time:), Loree
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