The Situation

10/2/15 

Hello, so its been a while since I posted anything. I've accomplished a whole lot this year so far. Turning the big 40, completing my first 1/2 marathon which I'm very proud off. I haven't dated anyone in a while but trying to change that and I got a mammogram which didn't freak me out. Getting a call back because it was abnormal  kind of freaked me out a little bit. Then the doctor telling me she wants to do a biopsy, officially freaked out. that was today.

Essentially they say that only 10% of women who get a biopsy have breast cancer but they said that 10% of people get an abnormal mammogram (which is the group I fall into). So I'm a bit freaked out to say the least. I have a biopsy next Thursday and then a week later they'll tell me the results. The doctor at the clinic kept telling me that I'm young, I'm young. That's all well and good but I'm still a bit freaked out. So if anyone reads my blog please pray that it is nothing.

I know many women go through this and being human we're just prone to overthinking and doing endless internet research on the subject which can make things both easier and worse. So I'm going to try not to think about it until after the procedure is done cause that'll be the real moment of truth. Honestly it's like everything is put on hold until I know what's going on with my body.

Til the next time.

- Loree

UPDATE: 12/28/15

So I got my biopsy results back at the end of October and it was something called Traumatic fat necrosis. According to WebMD, "This happens when there is an injury to the breast, thought you may not remember an injury happening. It causes fat to form in lumps that are generally round, firm, hard, and painless. You usually get one at a time." http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/benign-breast-lumps I had a car accident last year and I believe that's what caused this. Can I tell you what a relief I felt when the doctor mentioned during the biopsy procedure and confirmed it a week later! This was a four week process:

Week 1 - Yearly Mammogram Exam - The doctor saw something wanted me to return.
Week 2 - 2nd Mammogram, Breast Sonogram - The doctor still saw 2 spots and wants a biopsy done.
Week 3 - Biopsy - The doctor looked and one of the nodules was gone and she feels it may be benign but wants to do the biopsy anyways since one still is still showing.
Week 4 - Results. FAT NECROSIS.

This was by far the longest week of my LIFE. It put things into perspective like where my love life and career are and although I have more time to focus on those, I really need to make a concentrated effort and get on the ball. I gotta say what helped me through those 4 weeks was telling my parents and brother, and continuing to be active which for me as you know is running. What I also learned what NOT to do is:

1. Keeping it completely to myself. Don't keep this all inside. I didn't want to worry my folks and friends so I kept it in as much as a could but they knew something was wrong. Sometimes not knowing anything is worse then knowing because you can think of the worst case scenario.
2. Continue living life as you usually do and don't stop doing your everyday activities it'll make the feelings of despair intensify.
3. Continue to be active - running helped me so much with the worry and stress.
4. Listen to the professionals and don't overwork yourself with online advice. I was researching online advice, blogs, and etc. and it literally almost drove me to just crawl under the covers and just wait the until the doctor contacted me.

It is key to continue to love yourself, take care of yourself and to be thankful for the time you have and the understand that time doesn't stop. Every second, every minute is important. Do what you want to do now. Don't wait. Trust me I will not.

Now next on the list, 2016 Goals. I don't like to refer to them as resolutions because I feel that by calling it a resolution dooms it to fail.

Til the next time.

- Loree

The Baby Topic

I know what I want because they are "MY WANTS." Today a coworker mentioned to me that our workplace has reduced our parental leave policy. Since I am 40 she mentioned another younger coworker that this would effect. I asked her why wouldn't this affect me? She said your 40 I assumed your weren't having kids. WOW A.) It's none of your business and B.) I don't remember you having access to my brain in regards to my wants in regards to having children. I was on the verge of crying from her comment. Who the f*ck does she think she is? Kids when I was younger were always something I wanted to have but I didn't want to do it alone. Finding Mr. Good Enough isn't good enough for me. I want a man I'm in love with, I want to have our kids and for our kids to see the love between us.

Its things like this that anger me about people who make assumptions based on my age. I could eventually adopt. I could met the man of my dreams in the next 5 minutes and we could end up getting married and having kids. From this moment on I realize that you really shouldn't share your personal business to your coworkers. My business is my business and no one else's. I understand that you should be able to work with your co-workers and have connections for a better environment but this person is just too much for me.

I always refer to the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” when something someone does or says really stings deep. This was definitely one of those occasions. I guess its not just about kids but actually finding my love. I'm glad I did stand up for myself and always look from the outside in and ask myself what would I do if I heard this said to someone else. I'd be supportive and thank God that this person has not control over their life.

Til the next time.

- Loree

2015 - New Goals

Hello Everyone-

2015 is upon us and its time for new goals and reevaluating my life. Four major goals are:

- Completing my first 1/2 Marathon
- Traveling More
- Going back to college
- Dating - Ongoing Saga of Finding the One

1/2 Marathon

So my first 1/2 Marathon. Unreal that I'm even saying it but yes I registered for two races. One in May and one in September but I've run into an issue. I injured my knee on January 27th. I had an injury when I was training for the Marine Corp 10K in 2013 in my calf and had to skip my Marine Corps 10K I was SO upset to say the least. But I took off running for a couple of months and returned stronger than ever I believe and did the race a year later. I thought it was caused by hills (running up and down hills for strength and endurance training) I did with my running group but I believe my running coach is right that it probably was an underlying problem I've had for a while because I've been feeling deep pains in that area for few months at night. So I didn't run for four days and did a 5K on Sunday, February 8th. I felt good afterwards, the day after, but the second day oh boy my knee was hurting. So I did a ridiculous amount of research online. One thing I've noticed is the internet is incredible when it comes to information and overwhelming at the same time. What I've gathered is that everyone's situation can be different and you shouldn't compare your situation to anyone else. You HAVE to listen to YOUR body. So I'm taking this as a learning experience. Learning about my body and what it can and can't do. So I decided it was time to go see the doctor.

So after two weeks I went to my family doctor and she didn't feel any warmth on my knee but saw a little swelling and thought I should get a sonogram so she referred me to a Rhematologist. After receiving a sonogram from the Rhematologist (my doctor was with me as well) he found no fluid, just a little swelling so it was most likely Runner's Knee which he felt would go away eventually. Bad for me because I wanna run now but I'm thinking with my glass half full cause it could have been worse. But his next words are what broke my heart, he said I may need to find another sport and stop running. As you know (or may not know) I weighed 70 lbs more then I do now and lost the weight with Weight Watchers and reached my goal November 2012. I only started running in 2013. The statistic is every lb of weight loss releases 4 lbs of pressure on your knees. So I had 280 lbs of pressure on my knees for about 15 years of my life which seems unreal to me. I've NEVER had knee issues before and now he's saying running is making it worse! After the Rheumatolgist left the room I burst into tears. Being overweight and finally losing it, then falling in love with running that continues to keep the weight off, its scary to hear that you may not be able to do it anymore. After I had a good cry with my regular doctor (who stayed with me after the Rudematolgist left - pun intended) she said don't cut out running just yet so she referred me to a Physical Therapist who specializes in runners to check my knee out and to let me know what I should really not do and don't rule out running out yet. I love my doctor she is the best.

I went to my physical therapist and she says it looks like my quads on my left leg got to tight which pulled on the muscle over my knee and screwed up the alignment. So I've been doing PT for three weeks and feel much better. I ran for the first time yesterday, March 17th (St. Patty's Day) and today I feel good. I think that fear of making it worse is freaking me out but baby steps you know. For sure the 1/2 Marathon in May in Delaware is cancelled. It's funny, I registered for insurance for that race but not the one in September. So with a doctor's note I can get a refund for the race in May. The goal is to complete a 10 K at the end of April and a 5 K the second week of May. Continue doing strength training and running to prepare for my 1/2 Marathon in September. Eye on the prize I say. Will keep you posted!

Traveling More

So life is short as they say and as I'm getting older I realize now is the time to do what I want because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I have 2 trips planned this year. One for my birthday in NYC and Las Vegas in April. I'm very excited and look forward to enjoying each.








Going Back to College

I believe learning is a lifelong event. You never should stop learning. So I decided to go back to school and obtain my Graduate Degree Certificate in Database Systems Technology. I'm pretty good with computers and learning programs pretty quickly so I thought this would be my next step. Will keep you posted on my career progress with this.





Dating

Here's another year of being single. Man I feel like the men interested in me are either too young or too mature or have a short attention spans. Its so frustrating being a single women in this time and age with the internet again, I feel like people feel they have endless options and that they don't spend the time romancing people anymore. They can just go on to the next chick. I mean I know individuals who are getting married, moving in together, dating, its happening but I don't know. Its a struggle and I don't want to be single forever I really don't. So I'm going to focus on my love life again this Summer. It's been way too long and I'm way to fabulous to be single :) Will keep you updated on this as well.

Til the next time!

-Loree

Marine Corp 10K

Hello, its been a while! Well I feel like I had to write something out because in a few days I am doing the Marine Corp 10K! Last year I couldn't do it because I pulled a serious hamstring in my right leg and was limping like crazy but now I'm so excited and so ready. I'm sure I've said this before but to say that I would love running later on in life I would've thought you were nuts. In high school I was in the art crowd. Exercise equaled torture. But now its not only a great stress reliever, I like to see it as thanking God for giving me the tools to be able to do this. I love setting a goal and actually seeing the end result of all the training and hard work.

So I wish everyone luck for Sunday's race you 10Kers and you Marathon runners. Its going to be awesome. Honestly the goal is to reflect this energy and great thoughts to my love life and my work life. I want each day to be a sunny day within (corny as it may sound) because honestly tomorrow isn't promised to all of us. I am reminded of this every day.

Til the next time! New goals and bucket list items soon to come..

- Loree

Your Purpose

As the late Nelson Mandela had said "Death is something inevitable. When a man has done what he considers to be his duty to his people and his country, he can rest in peace. I believe I have made that effort and that is, therefore, why I will sleep for the eternity."With the death of Paul Walker, a great man in his own right with his foundation Reach Out Worldwide http://www.roww.org/ and the death of Nelson Mandela South African anti-apartheid revolutionary, politician and philanthropist and President of South Africa from 1994 to 1999 - would make anyone, I feel, take assessment of his or her own life. If I were to die in the next 60 seconds, would I

1. Be happy the way I left things?
2. Have done most of the things I wanted to do?
3. Let those that I care about know how I truly feel?

The anwser to that would be no. And of course I believe as humans we always feel we could have done more, we could have traveled more, loved more, done more for others and etc. Unfortunately, I've been feeling rather blue. Don't know if I should blame it on the time of the month or being single once again during the holidays. I feel selfish doing so because there are those who are no longer able to do either because they are no longer of this earth. I'm getting exhausted with letting myself down and I try to be my own best friend but I've been awful as of late. With the injury to my hamstring a couple of months ago and not being as active as I used to be I feel is creating this huge blue period I'm feeling now. I'm so tired of my complaints and I know that I shouldn't be so hard of myself but who likes a complainer? I do feel much better when I blog my feelings out but feel like actions speak louder than blah blah blah ya know?

I know I am the ruler of my happiness, the one who decides what will excite me and what is a waste of my time. Granted no one is perfect and there will be those times where not trying something will lead to regret, I just feel out of sync. Like I should be in one place but I'm stuck and can't get my foot out of the continuous everyday mundane tasks I call my current life.


It's warm, safe and cuddly in my lonely space. It's easy, no chance of rejection, of feeling lower than I already am. But that's called existing not living. The terms networking, socializing and flirting equal bungee jumping, testing out the highest roller coaster in the world, singing in front of 20,000 people, all of these scenarios freak me the hell out. BUT I know the more I do something the more it becomes habit and the easier it gets. So the key is to plan something and DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Which I've been good with but not so much these past two months. 

Just realized something today. Today a person at my workplace who is in a higher position as I answered a question for me (regarding me) without my input. Of course SHE can do that, its perfect. Ummm I am in the same room as you and I do have vocal chords can I answer that question? This made me realize how this person sees me in their eyes. I'm so insignificant that my opinion doesn't count, make a list, she'll do it. This solidified how this person sees me as an employee not co-worker (although I knew it all along) but also made me see that I could and will not work for this person in the future. Thank goodness this person is not my immediate supervisor and I could see that my immediate supervisor didn't appreciate the way this  person spoke in my place but it makes me want to do what I've been saying I want to do all along, and that's find a career with more authority.

I'm working on it and for some reason I realize I need to be present in my PRESENT life and stop staking my happiness and all my success for the future.

I believe I need to plan more, workout more and have faith in myself more. I need to snap out of it. I've been using this saying as of late, "It is what it is," when I have to do something I HATE like going to the Dentist, going to the OBGYN, basically anything that deals with poking areas I don't wanted poked by a medical professional. I need a mantra for getting out of my comfort zone. After much research I believe I've found my mantra, "I define myself by my character not my circumstance."

So fear is my motivator, I gotta try the opposite of what I've been doing. The Constanza effect (episode where George from Seinfeld did everything the opposite of what he normally does and finds success). 

Til the next time! I got a great feeling about this :)

- Loree

Upcoming 10K Roadblock and Online Dating FAIL!

Monday, October 14, 2013

I think the only thing I have been really focused on lately is my training for my first 10k. I took a two month running class that has been awesome. I've learned a lot. I'm running up to 5 miles and I'm feeling really good about it. I actually ran in the rain TWICE. WHO AM I? :)  Now before my 10K has started I have my eye on the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler. My 10 k (6.2 miles) is in two weeks and I must say "BRING IT ON!" I'm so ready.

Secondly, I have been drawing in this book called "642 Things to Draw." I'm up to a String Quartet and I must say it has been very therapeutic so has the running. Man I love discovering new things that I love, its the best. Amazing what the world has to offer if you just open our eyes to it.

**********PLOT TWIST!

November 6, 2013

So guess what happened a week before my 10K....I pulled a hamstring muscle and couldn't run it! I got really teary eyed the day of the Marine 10K and could not watch any coverage on it I was sooooo sad. But as my running coaches have told me injury is part of the running game. So I've been told by my doctor to rest my leg for 3 weeks not overextending my leg or cardio involving rapid movement of my leg.

Let me tell you, I work out everyday and not using my leg to do what I usually do has made me very creative when trying to stay active. My pants were feeling a bit tighter and my stomach was not as taunt as it used to be and I ended up gaining 8 lbs which sucked! But I am a girl with a goal and I will not let this one setback bring me back to my prior behavior. So I've been lifting hand weights, doing various abdominal exercises which is basically all I can do for now and I've lost about 5 lbs! After the 3 weeks are over I'll get to do my running again which I cannot wait to do! But I understand that I have to take it slow and stretching is key. Man I really miss it. I'm so jealous when I see runners on my way to work, so now I've fallen in love with running. Who would've thought? Not me! So Marine Corps 10K you will be on my vision board next year NO DOUBT.

So an update on my Vision Board :

1. Being More Spiritual
2. Marine Corps Marathon October 2014
3. Celebrating my birthday in NYC 2014
4. Reading books I own 
5. Reading the the whole Bible
6. Learning to ride a Bike
7. Visiting the beach once a year
8. Skip TV once a week
9. Improve writing skills
10. Continue painting and drawing

For the month of November I plan on focusing on #'s 4, 5 and 8 (which I think would help #'s 4 & 5). I also want to finally plan my birthday in NYC that I've been wanting to do for years.

As far as my romantic life I'm taking a bit of a break with the online dating. I've suspended all my dating accounts yesterday and going to give it a rest for a week and see how that goes. I feel like these guys online engage you, your talking then boom, they disappear. I'm not totally blaming them, I know I have a bit to do with it as well.  I mean I stopped talking to a guy because he like the television show "Revolution," on NBC. Seriously! Petty thy name is well anyway.....A great quote came up on Pinterest "Don't Look for Things You Aren't Ready to Find." That made me think damn am I really ready for dating? I mean life is going on around me, people are moving in together, getting married, having babies and I'm still trying to find myself? Uggg I think I need to continue to work on myself and what I love and I'll find him. I feel like this online dating makes it too easy for people to sugar coat things aren't really honestly representing themselves. 

But that doesn't mean that if I meet him along the way I won't pursue it. Also, I have a bad habit of checking dating sites several times a day like how Farmville was a crazy addiction to folks when it was first introduced on Facebook. But I do believe I need to apply the same vigor I have with my weight loss, running, and drawing to my love life. I need to find it fun and enjoyable as it should be. But I'm so frustrated, I feel like its a task that I don't want to do because I expect the worst.

I overthink that's what I do!

Anywho til the next time. 

Loree

New Vision Board & New Outlook on Dating

So my little brother got married on August 3, 2013 and it was a beautiful, fun wedding. I didn't get any questions regarding when am I getting married or anything like that, I think people were more focused on my weight loss. Most of my extended family saw me 75 lbs ago so that was enough to halt the questions which I much appreciated. With that I decided to revise my Vision Board and I also realize that I created my last vision board last August which is funny :) But I digress My previous vision board consisted of:

1. Dating More
2. Being more spiritual
3. Finding a Job I love
4. Socializing More
5. Paying off my debt (which was hard without a full time job)
6. Taking steps to obtain my masters in what not sure yet
7. Visiting a museum at least once a month
8. Traveling more (see reason on #5)
9. Planning the purchase of my own place (see reason #5)
10. Learning German
11. Learning Spanish
12. Owning a Dodge Challenger
13. Singing Karaoke at a Bar

Now looking at this list with fresh eyes and a year letter, it was wayyyyyyyyy overwhelming. It's more of a bucket list then a Vision Board. I think I looked about this all wrong. Rather than putting all my goals on the board for years to come, like my weight loss, I should do it in increments. That is what can I accomplish in the next month to 3 months. Once I achieve those check it off or put a sticker on it, whatever, show that I have accomplished that goal. I think having all of it at once screwed me because it was just too much.  So out of the list I accomplished the following:

1. Dating More - Went on 2 dates which is sad but a HUGE effort on my part since I haven't dated in years. Yes Years.

3. Just started a job in June and I really like it. I'm learning a lot about the financial industry which low and behold my degree is in. So all things considered I'm great for now.

5. Starting doing this 2 weeks after starting my job. One credit card down, 3 to go and 1 car bill. I won't even broach the subject that is my school loans.

7. I have gone to a few museum and gallery openings each month so I'm proud of myself there. Haven't done so in August. Will correct that soon.

And that's it folks. Kinda of disappointing but now I'm looking at it completely differently. Below is my BRAND NEW AND SHINY Vision Board:

1. Being More Spiritual
2. Completing my first 10K
3. Celebrating my birthday in NYC 2014
4. Reading books I own 
5. Reading the the whole Bible
6. Learning to ride a Bike
7. Visiting the beach once a year
8. Skip TV once a week
9. Improve writing skills
10. Continue painting and drawing

Simple, obtainable. I believe so.

"Prison is in the mind. When your mind is in prison it really doesn't matter where your sitting." I just heard this quote from a British television show "Waking the Dead." A crime show. That quote is so astounding because of the way I've been feeling about my life.

*Note: I created this post in mid-August and never posted it so another blog is soon to follow.

Let the good times roll! and til the next time.

- Loree

New Outlook

So... I've been feeling a bit down lately. Don't know if it has to do with the weather or the lack of dating life. Probably a bit of both but I am planning on changing that. I finally got a full time job and should feel ecstatic and logically I'm happy but I'm so frustrated. I'm having a case of the blahhhhhs
and I can't stand it. I'm getting a bit antsy in my parents place. I just want a place of my own already but I don't have the funds to do that just yet but I am planning on it. But I'm not knocking what my parents have done for me taking me in when I got laid off and eventually went back to school to get my degree. Couldn't have done it without them.

As far as my dating situation. I know logically that dating requires more than dating one person :) Which is what I want but dating the same individual on more than one occasion I can see how one can get comfortable. Someone wants to spend time with you, they compliment you, you get to know their likes, dislikes, habits and I think I was getting comfortable with AT because of that. Since its been such a long time since I dated I started to realize that hey I miss that companionship. So I stopped with the sadness since again AT never called me back and heck I didn't call him back either so the feelings mutual. I just act like my own best friend and say it didn't work out, I'm proud of you for putting yourself out there and now continue on your search. Nothing worth fighting for is easy because if it was everyone would be in a happy enduring relationship. So I get it. I do. I didn't feel that spark with AT (but he was a fantastic kisser :)) and I guess I'm glad it didn't get to the point where I was feeling more and he didn't and vice versa. Been there...done that... and never want to do that again!

So I did say that I was going to take a break from dating but you know what, I've been taking a break for over (gulp) 10 years. BREAK TIME IS OVER. So I am continuing to peruse the online profiles, but I'm also trying to be more social, go out and do things. Go to bars, art exhibits, even fitness wise with my 5k's and whatever physical challenge I'm willing to challenge myself with. So I'm excited for not only trying new things but maybe finding my match in the process.

So I think I need to list things that I'd like to do on a monthly basis and I think the more I see it in print it will invigorate me to actually do it. So they are:

To Do Monthly List

1. Visit a museum exhibit at least once a month.
2. Try a new fitness challenge once a month.
3. Do something out of character once a month.
4. Draw more, do more of my art.
5. Compliment a guy when I'm out (nice tie, nice smile, nice shirt) and be o.k. if it doesn't go anywhere.

Now to practice what I preach. Til the next time.

- Loree

Crickets...and Revelation.

So, I go out on my fifth date with AT and it was a bit awkward. He is very intelligent, reads history books as a hobby, doesn't own a television which I think is great. He also watches documentaries and let me tell you his intelligence is really sexy but I feel like we don't have much in common. We had dinner and talked a bit about what he does for fun, hang out with his buddies and plays leader of the world with a life size map at his apartment which is completely nerdy and adorable at the same time :). I feel like he expects me to be somewhat on the same level when it comes to talking about politics and history and I for one haven't cracked a history book since junior college.

So we ended the date with a great kiss. We're great at kissing :) but that was a week and half ago and I haven't heard from him. So I'm not sure what our status is. I have a feeling he will probably text me sometime in the coming weeks which is cool. I honesty am not looking for a husband since I have dated since Y2K so I had no expectations.

It felt great having someone attracted to me and vice versa and it's funny I didn't know how much I missed it until I actually was experiencing it. I'm more confident in myself which is great. I also was seeing a therapist last year to help me with the dating game since I got too comfortable with not dating. I want to have relationships with the opposite sex who are not related to me. She noticed that I have issues with having confidence in my intelligence. When  describing myself I would say that I'm nice, good person, great listener, ethical, cute but I'd never say smart or intelligent. I have finally learned not to compare myself  physically with others and I need to learn to do that with my intelligence as well.

Baby steps I say. So the search continues and I'm excited to find him and I know its a journey not a race and that it'll take time and patience. I believe the right guy will be worth going through bad dates and such. I think I may take a week break looking at online profiles, its become a bit frustrating.

Hopefully I will be reporting on another date soon on my next post.

Til the next time.

- Loree

Smitten

Hello again, So as mentioned in my last blog that I'd state how my 3rd date with AT went. It was great! I saw one of my closest friends and her husband, who is part of a jazz band, was amazing. AT was sweet as well and walked me to my car after the performance. I gave him a ride to the metro and I'm freaking out because this is supposed to be our first kiss. So I park the car, he leans in and.....kisses me on the cheek? I then blurt out, and not sure where that courage came from but, "so was that our first kiss?" At the mention of this he leans in and kisses me on the lips. It was fast but nice. We then make plans to see each other again the following week.

So we do. I plan on meeting him near his job and we decide to have a drink and maybe do an art walk. He hadn't eaten since he went to the gym first and I already ate so I was hanging with him while he ate. It was nice we talked about his job and coworkers. Afterwards we go to a bar and I have THREE martini's and I was feeling good. He had two drinks -Campari, a strong Italian drink. Now we were planning on seeing a movie so trust me although I did drive down, I had no intention of driving home drunk. So we walk to the movie theater and I offered to buy the movie tickets but he goes ahead and does. Not sure if he was being chivalrous or if it was the alcohol or if he just wanted to but I thought that was sweet of him.

SIDEBAR:  I'm always confused on who pays when, when the relationship isn't official. 

Anyways, we go in the theater and sit in the back seat of the theater and totally make-out for the two hours. I felt like a teenager, and it was pretty awesome LOL. Afterwards he walks me to my car and we say we'll make plans again this week. 

I don't know about this guy. Like I said, I'm really attracted to him but I don't know what he wants. I'm going to try and think like a dude on this one for now and take it as we're just dating. I will not over-analyze like a girl automatically does. Although of course I have already :) Nothing serious, although with emotions you can't really control how you will decidedly feel about the other.

It's all about having fun for now...At least that's what I keep telling myself. We'll see...

Til the next time,

Loree

Third Date

So tonight I am going to a Jazz Club in D.C. to see one of my closest friends and her husband who is performing. I invited a guy I've been on two dates with whom I'll call AT and he is seriously adorable and way younger than me. I told myself that I do need to start dating and he was cute and sweet so why not. The first date went great, we spoke for two hours, the next date I met him downtown on a Saturday and it was a beautiful day and I stupidly went to the wrong museum and he was totally cool about it, so that was a good sign. He doesn't sweat the small stuff for now. I could have lived without the tourists, but besides that we walked around a lot, went to the Hirshhorn and had lunch and the second date ended with a hug. Now mind you I am attracted to him and I am completely freaking out about our potential first kiss tonight. For god sake I am an adult and oldest of us two but am sooooooo sooooooo nervous. I know, I'm over thinking and freaking out but that's what I do and its been a very long time since I connected with a guy. Oh and breaking news on our second date he stated that he has a child which threw me since that wasn't in his profile but I was like you know at my age (30's) I shouldn't be a shocker, although him being 27 and having a kid is well something I'm not too worried about just yet. I am glad he didn't hide it so that was a good thing. 

Dating as you all know is very hard and I for one have always been known as a shy girl in high school and in college. Now I'm a bit more mature and confident and peoples' expectations or judgement doesn't define me as much anymore. It used to in my 20's because I didn't know better but now life is short and there are too many people in the world to try to make each and everyone one of them accept me for who they think I should be or be with.

So I send good tidings to cupid and my angels up there that tonight will be a nice and fun night. No pressure fun, fun, fun. I plan on looking fabulous. 

I'll report back with how it all went. Til the next time.

- Loree

Now What?

Oh boy, needed to blog and vent a bit. I'm at a loss. After graduating college last May 2012 the task of
looking for a job has been so daunting. Working part-time for so long and having so much time to focus on myself has been amazing. I think I'm fearful of going back to full-time work because I fear of losing focus on my self and my health. I also can't seem to find a job outside of my previous type of work which was being an Executive Assistant. It's hard work and I honestly hate doing it now. I'm ready for something new. It really is a struggle to decide. I think by not working a 40 hour a week job I've been spoiled. It's been about 9 months since I've graduated and honestly I had that moment of looking for Executive Assistant/Administrative Assistant positions again and even had an interview but I just couldn't go after it. I JUST CAN'T! I told myself no more going backwards and that to me would be the definition of that. I got my bachelor's for goodness sake and I'd actually like to use it. I went to school for a reason to get out of the role of an EA and AA but its hard:

1. Not having health insurance
2. Income to support myself and buy my own place
3. Savings for the future.

It sucks and I know I'm one of many people in this country going through the same dilemma. It is very hard. I think I need a vacation. I haven't been on a vacation in years and I think its' starting to get to me. Planning for a vacation with no money is going to be hard. But I'm a planner. I planned to get my Bachelor's and I did, I planned on losing weight and I happily accomplished that. So planning a vacation with low funds, I can do that too. And let's not forget about the love life.

Wow, my love life has been nonexistent for many years since the last terrible relationship I had in the past I just packed that part of my life in a drawer and just closed it. Now even though I don't have a job and can't really support myself I do want companionship SO...

I've started DATING, met a guy, younger than me which is o.k. for now since I haven't dating since I can't even remember and its really hard. He's sweet and I will just hang out with him for now. I do remind myself of the accomplishments I have made and that I am grateful to be in good health so its not all bad and honestly that's what gets me up in the morning. There are people out there going through tragedies that I can't even grasp. So...

Plan, I'm good at planning and the goal is to continue:

1) Dating
2) Planning a Vacation
3) Finding a steady job that I love
4) Supporting myself

A small list of HUGE proportions I know but I'll accomplish it. Til the next time...

- Loree

First Date Results

So. Went on my first date this past Saturday with a guy I've been talking with on O.K. Cupid. The restaurant was in DC and I took the metro which of course was delayed because of the endless metro repairs. I arrived and waited a good 15 minutes for him to arrive. He lives 2 blocks away but it took him 15 minutes to arrive (strike one).

When he arrived I was floored to see he was shorter than me. I'm short anyways at 5'2'' and he stated he was 5'3''. I wore flats on purpose as well and in no way shape or form was he 5'3''. More like 5'0'' at most (strike two). Never dated a guy shorter than me and yes I had flats on . But I told myself lets have dinner see how it goes, height isn't everything. I wore a tan sweater mini dress with black tights and boots - he wore blue jeans, green sweater and can't remember the shoes. We ordered dinner and in my mind I was wondering how the hell am I going to get out of this but told myself to stop being negative. So he stated that he was in the military and the gun issue came up. Being in the military I understand his desire to carry fire arms and being pro-gun. I personally will only allow guns in my house by way of viewing them on my flat screen TV. I hate guns. He owns a bunch of guns in Florida (strike three) but thankfully DC does not allow one to carry firearms. He definitely was into the black culture relating to music, movies and we liked a lot of the same TV shows but after the gun issue I pretty much lost interest and was ready for this date to be over. So he kept bringing up what we could do after dinner and I'm thinking....uhhh I'm going home. So we said our goodbyes. The next day he pretty much noticed my lack of interest and I haven't heard from him since. So there it is folks. There was no spark, no fire, no attraction. But I'm not discouraged since I have some other events coming up like a Cupid Run, Vampire Run.

So regarding Cupid Run, the organizers held a brunch mingle event at a Busboy and Poets location on Saturday Feb 2nd and that's when I saw him. His name is Ryan and he is adorable! He's tall, shaved black hair, he runs marathons which means he is in great shape and did I say he was cute? He had to be maybe 5'8". Hopefully I left an impression on him and that he shows up on Saturday. So well see :).

You know being single for so long I am so lost when it comes to the opposite sex. What attracts them, how to keep their attention, even how to show your interest in them without looking stupid or desperate. I have been reading this great blog on this girl who is plus size and her dating experiences as a plus size woman. I signed up when I was plus size and although I am no longer a plus size woman she has great tips on dating phobias which basically applies to anyone no matter their shape and size. You can find the blog here: http://www.thebiggirlblog.com/.  I do believe in fate and believe in guardian angels. So I know that most of the work is up to me but I could use some divine intervention because I am in desperate need of aide. So wish me luck and I'll post my results on the next blog.

Til the next time,

Loree

First Date

So. Its been a while since I've written and I find very therapeutic when I do. So I'm meeting a guy named "Dan" that I met on an online website "OK Cupid" for the first time. I thought he was cute and he reached out to me. He's a year older than me and seems to have a great career and is a great photographer which he wants to do full time. So he has that artistic part to him which I love. I haven't dated in such a long time I feel like I should be more excited but I think because I've had such disappointment in the past when it comes to dating I have a "whatevs" feeling. I think females in general over-analyze everything and I feel that deep down inside I am trying not to over-analyze as to not get hurt but I don't want to appear uninterested if I am.

So. I'm taking this date like meeting a new friend. Not a potential boyfriend, or anything more than that. If he is not interested that's cool, I think its great that I'm putting myself out there. I feel like I'm on a plane with a parachute getting ready to skydive and I'm right on the ledge with my instructor telling me "Go Loree, Go!" Hell I'm not even sure if he'll show but we'll see I guess. Yes I hate being negative but I'm, in my head, am being negative. Ugghhh I am anxious for the initial meeting and the awkward silences. This is a beginning of a new chapter for me.

I am confident in my looks now, I really wasn't before. I believe in respecting everyone no matter their level of intelligence or place of employment and when I hear jokes of people making jokes on what others do for a living as if that person is less than what the other believes they should be truly pisses me off. I am also having a bit of issue regarding my intelligence and my belief that I have a lack of it. I need to stop that I know.

I am going to try this mantra of repeating to myself that "I love me, body and brain." I am falling in love with my self everyday its a daily steady progress but as it's been said numerous times before. How can someone fall in love with you if you are not in love with yourself.

So here goes nothing or everything? Whateves :)

- Loree

Somethings Gotta Change

Another tragedy has occurred. The shooting in Newton, Connecticut. 20 children and 6 adults. An Elementary is deemed not safe now. Unbelievable. Everyone is quick to blame the shooter of course but who provided the guns for him to do this heinous crime. His mother. It also seems that she knew he had emotional problems, why she would ever introduce weapons into their home is beyond my comprehension but then again I'm sure her son being the murderer of 26 innocent lives wasn't even a possibility in her mind and something her son was capable of doing. Where were the people who noticed the killer's behavior or actions and thought to themselves, something is not right with this kid and it needs to be addressed but said nothing, did nothing. Whose to blame? That's the question we need to ask. I often wonder what the parents of these killers think once they're children have committed these unthinkable crimes. I believe that not in they're wildest dreams did they ever think that they're child would be responsible for killing anyone. 

It's seems that one thing that needs to be looked into is when a person that you may work with, be friends with are are related to are acting strange and you have a bad feeling that they could cause harm to themselves or someone else, its better to overreact and assume that this person is capable of anything rather than underestimate what they feel. It could prevent a tragic event from occurring.

It seems that these tragedies are occurring on a more frequent basis and it is truly terrifying.  I feel like when these things happen its the powers from above way of telling us that time is promised to no one and that we all should live our lives to the fullest TODAY. Don't plan on enjoying your life in the next day, the next month, or next year, you should do what you love now.

I think individuals today focus so much on what could be rather than what is which makes one miss special moments. You can't rewind time. For the past two days I've been hearing that there is a funeral for a 5 year old and then a 6 year old victim from the Connecticut shooting and it seems incomprehensible.  I can't even process that this is even happening. But when we get relaxed and the rights of individuals become more of a priority than the safety of individuals we as a society should not be surprised when tragedies occur. Columbine showed us that, Virginia Tech showed us that, the movie theater shooting in Colorado has shown us that, now children in an ELEMENTARY SCHOOL in Connecticut. It seems that things only change when something drastic occurs and people are nicer to each other, we have serious discussions on the issues at hand and this last only for a few weeks mind you then we're back to the same old same old for most of use. To dwell on the sadness is just too hard. But it does change some of us. 

With that I look at my own life and I am getting tired of being sad because honestly I got it good now. Yeah I'm still single, yeah I don't have a full time job that I love, yeah I don't own my own home but I will. I'm healthy, I have a part time that is paying the bills. I love my body after losing 72 lbs. I know that I will find love, I know I will find the job I love and I know that I'll own my own place I just have to be patient and live and love my life now. Be happy now because I can and these innocent victims cannot.

This is what I've learned and am reminded of. I pray for all the innocent victims and know you are not far from my thoughts. 

Til the next time.

- Loree

Frustration

You just never know what tragedy you will be a part of and how it could easily take your life or remind you how easily it can be taken away. As of late Hurricane Sandy has taught us that.

Which leads me to my frustration with myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for my parents who I love so dearly but honestly I should own my own place or be in a long term relationship or be married. But what helps with the delay of my wishes is something my therapist used to tell me "the relationship I want will happen when I'm ready to accept it." Let me just say I am way past ready. I miss being in a couple but honestly I haven't been out socially in a while. I plan on changing this in December with the following upcoming events I have planned:

1. A Wine and Painting Class with a Meetup Group December 1st
2. Another Speed Dating Event December 13th
3. New Years Event (where not sure yet) December 31st

Not working full time has made me very comfortable not working a 40 hour week. I have a habit of pretending that my credit cards are free cash and have been buying clothes like crazy when honestly I don't need any more! Buying cute clothes for my new size is definitely the magic pill to cure my depressed mood. And as you know any addiction is just a momentary solution and does not change it. I am aware of my spending and honestly I think I have been pretty good about it but I do need to stop with the clothing and shoes shopping. I mean all these cute dresses and shoes and I've been staying home feeling depressed. I want to find my love and find a job I love. But finding and getting a full time employment is like searching for a good man to date. There's too many people with the same qualifications aiming to win that prize. And that prize can basically accept any recipient they'd like because there are so many of us.

It's so FRUSTRATING! And I know I'm the only person who can change my own life. I know it. I believe that planning has a lot to do with it and I just need to really focus on my love life and job search. I also plan on getting a Masters Degree in Finance so school search is another task I need to grasp. So I declare that December will be a great month and 2013 will be one of the best years ever.

Til the next time.

- Loree

Concerts

I've come to the conclusion. Dare I say it? I'm getting too old for certain types of concerts :( I'm at a Deftones concert now and I cannot stand drunk ass people. Give me a seat paid for with cushion any day. Granted its at Rams Head Live in Baltimore the 3rd worst venue I've been to. 1. Jiffy Lube Live 2. Sonar. And I came wayyyy late which was my fault. But yeah I'm getting too old and impatient. Deftones is definitely a concert on my bucket list but damn. Do things when your able cause time waits for no one. I'm outta here when they "go off stage." I think really another reason is because I'm alone which sucks but I'm here for the band. So do what you love when your able cause you never know when your patience will outweigh your desire. Ugg getting older sucks but I thank God that I'm still here:) Til the next time!

-Loree

The Clock Starts Ticking...

You know how sometimes a tragic event that occurs in your life can physically and mentally put everything on pause? My car accident that totaled my car was in August and there was a court date scheduled because the lady who hit me didn't pay the ticket. I had a witness thank goodness and the court date was Thursday, October 11. I actually thought my witness wouldn't show up but he did but guess who didn't...the cop who wrote the ticket! Unbelievable. You know I don't wish any ill will towards anyone but when someone runs a red light I'd like them to be held accountable for it and paying a ticket or getting a point on their license is the least that they should be charged with. BUT with the cop in question not showing up all charges were dropped. Yes I am super pissed but I am also glad it is over. I felt like I was on hold from getting a car and this court date was consuming my every waking moment. Even though the traffic citation was between the State and the lady in question I didn't know if she'd have some big wig lawyer to differ and possibly hold me at fault. Anyway, it is what is is (my new saying) and was out of my control. As the Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." This accident has consumed so much of my time and I'm ready to move on. With that I FINALLY found a car! Its a 2009 Toyota Yaris and its adorable. Red color and it fits me I think. 

More good news I have a second interview with Weight Watchers! It will be a receptionist position and I know does not pay much but I love them so much for helping me lose my weight and I completely and devotedly believe in their program and would love to inspire those who are also on their quest to find their best self. So I'm excited. Yes I'm talking like I already have the job :) but I'm really excited about working for them and the additional income since I've been having a hell of a time finding a job will be a bonus.

I also went to a Grad Fair a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty awesome. I plan on getting my Masters in Finance Management. I want to teach people the best way to spend and save their income for themselves and their families. I'm even considering Grad School out of state since I've never done it and you only live once (that I know of). I'm ultra excited about that. 2012 has been such an awesome year:)

So I do have some things I'd like to focus on the next couple months:

1. Applying to a few Graduate Schools
2. Volunteering
3. Dating

Not necessarily in that order. I will have upcoming post with more details called Fall Happenings.

Til the next time!

- Loree

Speed Dating with Pros in the City and Match.com Happy Hour

Hello All-

So again I've been promising myself to do at least one social event a month and for the month of September I've done two! Pros in the City Speed Dating Event and Match.com Happy Hour Stir Event. I'll start with Pros in the City.

Pros in the City

Well the turn out for men was WAY better this time. I'd say I sped date with 13 guys. I actually was interested in two of them. One was an older gentlemen and the other was a guy from Ireland. It was really interesting and I actually felt no pressure because I didn't really have expectations (which isn't a bad thing). I used to psych myself out thinking that this is it he'll be at this particular event and when I would receive no responses I'd be more depressed and avoid social events for a few weeks afterwards. Although I guess deep down I was hoping that I'd be attracted to at least one guy. Anyway, at the speed dating event the females would sit for the duration at their seat and the guys would get up and spend 4 minutes with each female. It can be a lot of fun or the minutes can feel like an eternity. The guy from Ireland, I'll call him "R" was really funny and had great taste in music (which I love). He was very surprised that I was into British/Irish bands as well. I have a very eclectic taste in music which I think was part of what attracted me to him. The thing with these speed dating events is that once the speed dating is over it can get kinda awkward. Once everyones dating is done you kinda wanna get the hell out of there unless of course you make a connection. So basically everyone left. So it's like you take the test, go home, sleep for the night and then rush to your computer the next day to see the results.  Two guys (including R!) said they were interested in me. The Lawyer (not the older gentlemen I was interested in) who seemed to be absolutely bored and a little stressed out at the dating event was a total turn off and I really wasn't interested in him. I've exchanged two emails with R and that was a few days ago so the ball is in his court. I said we should hang out but rather than pine away and wait I'm going to continue my search, which brings me to the next event:

Match.com Happy Hour Stir Event

Let me preface by saying OY! I believe we females today have a high standard when it comes to the men we want to date and maybe those standards are way to high. I'm sure everyone has noticed those Match.com Stir Up Event commercials that are being created as of late.  The commercials show very attractive men and very attractive women interacting at these events which was basically what I expected. I know that sounds way superficial but I'm just being honest. The event was actually a happy hour at a spot in D.C. and let me tell you it was unorganized to say the least. Anyone could've walked into the establishment and as usual women outnumbered men I'd say two to one especially at these dating event. Deep down I expected as much. There were a few individuals making connections but what I witnessed most were a lot of men just standing around drinking their beverages of choice and groups of women talking to each other. Yes I was one of those women and I remember I read somewhere that a group of women talking among each other is very intimidating for men to approach them. I mean I would totally feel the same if I were the only woman and the guy I wanted to talk to was with a group of his male friends. But alas I didn't see anyone I wanted to talk to or was attracted to so no love connections.

Dating is hard as shit, your basically putting your heart on the line every time but in the end when it works and you find him it's totally worth it. I do still have one credit for another speed dating event so I do plan on doing that when it occurs. When I do these events and no numbers, emails or Facebook pages are exchanged I don't see it as a failure, I use these situations as learning lessons on what I may need to change or do the next time around. Its always good to put yourself out there, you never know when you'll meet the one, it could be on the way to the metro, getting a drink at the bar, meeting your friends at a restaurant, it basically can happen anywhere.

But I think I'm also going to start doing some volunteering and find some activities that include music, drawing and visiting museums which I adore doing. I had lunch with my old boss/mentor and I told her that with the success of obtaining my Bachelor's Degree and weight loss, I am viewing my love life in the same manner. I may have bad weeks where I go to a few events with no love connections or go online and find no connections but the KEY TO SUCCESS TO FINDING LOVE IS NOT GIVING UP. No one is going to bring Prince Charming to my door (unfortunately) so I need to do the work and just keep at it and I will find him. Like a persons' intuition you know what you should do in that current situation and I feel like this is the right path for me to find him.

So I will continue to put my heart and patience out there and hopefully soon I will start actually dating :) Til the next time.

- Loree

Vision Board & Goals

So I've been sending out my resume out like crazy and my brother gave me this brilliant advice to send my resume first thing Monday morning rather than throughout the week (Thanks Joe!). The thought is that with the unbelievable amount of people looking for jobs now, sending your resume during the week will only get lost. When HR receives an email during the AM on a Monday they are more likely to open said email. So I prepared a bunch Sunday Afternoon and emailed them around 9 - 11 AM Monday morning and I actually got a couple of call backs!

Funny thing though, I haven't been motivated in the interviews. I don't know if its because I've been a full time student for the past three years that I just don't wanna deal. Actually I know that its because I'm out of practice. Don't get me wrong I like money and I would like to find a job I love but "in this economy" I feel like I can't be too picky. My goal is to get out of the role of Executive Assistant, Administrative Assistant, anything Assistant but I know that since I just obtained my Bachelor's degree in Management Studies this past May I am considered Entry Level and I'll most likely be an assistant for a while. So I need to deal with that for the time being. In addition I have to find a new car since mines was totaled. Unreal what life can throw at you but I will deal.

I think what will make my head feel less in the clouds is updating that Vision Board that I've mentioned countless times. It is as follows:

1. Date
2. Stop being a homebody, socialize a bit more
3. Visit museums more (at least once a month)
4. Learn Spanish 
5. Learn German
6. Visit Rome, Ireland, Spain, Greece basically travel more
7. Religion - Read the Bible
8. Mediate Every Day and invest more in my spirituality
9. Would love to purchase my dream car which is a Dodge Challenger
10. Buy my own place
11. Sing Karaoke in front of an audience
12. Obtain my Masters in Web Design or Finance (haven't decided which yet)
13. Find a career/job I love and can grow in
14. Get my retirement right

Below you'll find the image of my Vision Board. I need to add #14 which I have. It's so important to prepare for your future because I am assuming that social security will not exist for me when I retire. 

Out of the list, I have been working on 1.) Dating, 2.) Finding a Job - working with Randstad a job placement agency and 3.) Travel More, going to Atlantic City in September which is exciting!

Again, I can't stress how important it is to have your goals out there in front of you. I'm a visual person and it really does seeing this goals first thing when I wake up. So onward and upward!

Have a great Labor Day and til the next time!

- Loree