Automatic Thoughts and Distortions

I'd like to start off with a funny story (well funny to me at least), I went to Forever 21, (great clothes for great prices and not only for under 21 year olds), and grabbed a few shirts and jeans and tried them on. When I looked in the mirror I was hesitant.....I thought to myself "I think there's something wrong with this mirror." I thought maybe they had discounted mirrors too and used the same ones the Circus' use. You know the kind that makes big people tall and thin and vice versa. CRAZY I know. Nope that's you girl. I couldn't believe that I wasn't believing my own eyes. People are even commenting and asking me how I lost the weight and honestly, not to toot my own horn, I am really proud of myself. What I did was I applied the same principles I have with past success in my life which as of late was my place of employment. I have been always successful in creating a great resume, great interview and to be the best employee I can be. But that took care of my employers, what about taking care of myself?

So I took the weight loss (with the help of weight watchers and wii Zumba and wii Golds Gym Boxing ) one day at a time and knew that I gained the weight slowly I just have to be patient and lose it the same way and it totally worked. I did say at New Years this year that 2012 is Loree's year and I've been heavy for most of my life so I am loving the change. BUT... I'm still getting used to the attention. I notice guys noticing me a bit, smiling a bit more and I am at a loss of what to do next. Seriously I thought that those feelings go away as you grow older but nope. When I spot a cute guy I get the same feeling I did in elementary school, high school just total shyness and then I convince myself already that I am not worthy of this dude and I haven't even spoken to him yet! I now realize I have to approach dating in the same manner, take it nice and slow and I won't have a man overnight, finding the right one takes time as it should.

My therapist, who really is opening my eyes, gave me reading material on "Automatic Thoughs and Distortions." I told her that how in high school and even past employment I would have crushes on guys who I felt were way out of my league when in fact I now am slowly believing I may have had a chance with some of them! It only took me 37 years to realize that but at least I'm realizing it. I believe out of the distorations I suffer from:

• Assuming - I so assume things without even testing if the evidence. Damn he's hot, why bother he won't be into me. Why are they laughing? Is it my outfit? That's like assuming a criminal did the crime without investigating the crime.
• Overgeneralizing - The few guys I've had bad experiences with I just assume that all men are the same and that is so not true.
• Dwelling on the Negative- I learned years ago that I suffered with this but I actually am pretty good at NOT dwelling on the negative. Its a waste of time and really what's done is done you just need to learn from it and move on.
• Unfavorable Comparisons - I did this too a while back. I have this gorgeous cousin and I used to always compare myself to her. She is thin and I am not (although I am LOVING my shape now). But why would I want to be the same. I love being unique. There's nothing wrong with being different, its refreshing.

These categories really helped me understanding that I need to stop myself from thinking on the negative side of things. It only defeats me.

SOCIALIZING

So my goal this past two weeks was to socialize. I want to start dating again and my therapist said that I should have a small party. I didn't because my cousin had a party with mostly her boyfriends friends and family and some of our common family members. New people I've never meant, I think this can qualify as socialing with new people. BUT.... I took the easy route and stuck with my family. I know I should have been socializing outside with the people I haven't meant. I do realize that I should've introduced myself and interacted more but my mom and cousins (whom I'm very close with) were my easy out. So I think I failed in that task but I realize it and am up for another challenge.

There is an art showing in Virginia called Artomatic that I've been wanting to visit it. I think I will use that as an opportunity to go and have fun and (GULP) socialize. I'll let you know how that goes. Til the next time!

- Loree

The Butterfly is slowly leaving the Cocoon!

UPDATE****
Wow what an amazing first 5 months of 2012! I decided on November 12th, 2011 (my mom's birthday) to join weight watchers. I was getting tired of complaining about my size, tired of blaming my weight for not dating and being "out there." Also was tired of people who were overweight with me were losing weight in front of my eyes and I was staying the same. I also was getting tired of Jennifer Hudson's feeling good (although I admire her greatly). Well to date I have lost 51 lbs! I can't believe it! I honestly did not give myself enough credit. Getting through the holidays was hard but I told myself that I focused so much on my education and employment but never my physical fitness. I have 20 lbs to go to get to my goal which I'm confident I WILL accomplish. So now I can't blame my weight anymore. I also notice that men are noticing me, not sure if its my size of that I don't have the coat of weight to hide the real me that I feel has been hidden all this time. I am so proud and do believe that we accomplish anything if we put our minds, heart and soul into it. Which I have done.

I also finally obtained my Bachelors in Management Studies and Web Design Certificate from UMUC. I'm really proud of myself. :) Now the next goal is to find a job in addition to continue doing what I love. I took  a drawing class (I used to draw all the time in high school), I'm into the whole DIY (do it yourself trend). Made my own Radiohead t-shirt, bought some spray paint to refurbish some pumps and flats and now have a groupon for yoga and pole dancing (yes pole dancing exercise). Which sounds like alot of fun. I think before I felt like I wasn't worth being happy and I now know that I am worth being taken care of. The best person to do that is MYSELF! I am a very independent woman but back in my mind I had these romantic inclinations that some gorgeous guy would find me (in my past depressed and sad state) and would love me and take care of me. I call it the Prince Charming syndrome. Yes even at this age there is a part of me that has that hope that I will be taken care of. I blame Disney for that. How can I expect him to love me when I felt like I wasn't worth being loved because of past mistakes I've made.

I knew I needed help, to speak to someone who can help me beat these demons I call it trying to keep me down. So I started seeing this therapist and she opened my eyes. We tend to forget that we as humans WILL make mistakes. That as long as we are aware of these mistakes and we ask for forgiveness and are really sorry for what we've done we can move on. I for a long time would ask for forgiveness but believed that I wasn't worth that forgiveness and then slowly the lack of self worth came back creeping in and slowly tearing down my happiness. I now know that this is a self-defeating and am now aware of it and am working on it. I am slowly realizing that yes, I am worth happiness.

Anyhow my goal for the summer is to have fun, continue to eat better, continued to workout and stay with the program, and do what I love. I am slowly finding out that I will find my love. It will be during my enjoyment of my present life because submitting to the whoa is me attitude that I'll never find my man is waste of my time literally. It really doesn't help anyone to cry over things or PEOPLE I can't control. The only person that loses is me.

So I am loving myself more and more and peeling back the layers of darkness that have been covering my authentic self. If feels good to feel that I am emerging and finally have arrived.

Til the next time:), Loree