The Situation

10/2/15 

Hello, so its been a while since I posted anything. I've accomplished a whole lot this year so far. Turning the big 40, completing my first 1/2 marathon which I'm very proud off. I haven't dated anyone in a while but trying to change that and I got a mammogram which didn't freak me out. Getting a call back because it was abnormal  kind of freaked me out a little bit. Then the doctor telling me she wants to do a biopsy, officially freaked out. that was today.

Essentially they say that only 10% of women who get a biopsy have breast cancer but they said that 10% of people get an abnormal mammogram (which is the group I fall into). So I'm a bit freaked out to say the least. I have a biopsy next Thursday and then a week later they'll tell me the results. The doctor at the clinic kept telling me that I'm young, I'm young. That's all well and good but I'm still a bit freaked out. So if anyone reads my blog please pray that it is nothing.

I know many women go through this and being human we're just prone to overthinking and doing endless internet research on the subject which can make things both easier and worse. So I'm going to try not to think about it until after the procedure is done cause that'll be the real moment of truth. Honestly it's like everything is put on hold until I know what's going on with my body.

Til the next time.

- Loree

UPDATE: 12/28/15

So I got my biopsy results back at the end of October and it was something called Traumatic fat necrosis. According to WebMD, "This happens when there is an injury to the breast, thought you may not remember an injury happening. It causes fat to form in lumps that are generally round, firm, hard, and painless. You usually get one at a time." http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/benign-breast-lumps I had a car accident last year and I believe that's what caused this. Can I tell you what a relief I felt when the doctor mentioned during the biopsy procedure and confirmed it a week later! This was a four week process:

Week 1 - Yearly Mammogram Exam - The doctor saw something wanted me to return.
Week 2 - 2nd Mammogram, Breast Sonogram - The doctor still saw 2 spots and wants a biopsy done.
Week 3 - Biopsy - The doctor looked and one of the nodules was gone and she feels it may be benign but wants to do the biopsy anyways since one still is still showing.
Week 4 - Results. FAT NECROSIS.

This was by far the longest week of my LIFE. It put things into perspective like where my love life and career are and although I have more time to focus on those, I really need to make a concentrated effort and get on the ball. I gotta say what helped me through those 4 weeks was telling my parents and brother, and continuing to be active which for me as you know is running. What I also learned what NOT to do is:

1. Keeping it completely to myself. Don't keep this all inside. I didn't want to worry my folks and friends so I kept it in as much as a could but they knew something was wrong. Sometimes not knowing anything is worse then knowing because you can think of the worst case scenario.
2. Continue living life as you usually do and don't stop doing your everyday activities it'll make the feelings of despair intensify.
3. Continue to be active - running helped me so much with the worry and stress.
4. Listen to the professionals and don't overwork yourself with online advice. I was researching online advice, blogs, and etc. and it literally almost drove me to just crawl under the covers and just wait the until the doctor contacted me.

It is key to continue to love yourself, take care of yourself and to be thankful for the time you have and the understand that time doesn't stop. Every second, every minute is important. Do what you want to do now. Don't wait. Trust me I will not.

Now next on the list, 2016 Goals. I don't like to refer to them as resolutions because I feel that by calling it a resolution dooms it to fail.

Til the next time.

- Loree

The Baby Topic

I know what I want because they are "MY WANTS." Today a coworker mentioned to me that our workplace has reduced our parental leave policy. Since I am 40 she mentioned another younger coworker that this would effect. I asked her why wouldn't this affect me? She said your 40 I assumed your weren't having kids. WOW A.) It's none of your business and B.) I don't remember you having access to my brain in regards to my wants in regards to having children. I was on the verge of crying from her comment. Who the f*ck does she think she is? Kids when I was younger were always something I wanted to have but I didn't want to do it alone. Finding Mr. Good Enough isn't good enough for me. I want a man I'm in love with, I want to have our kids and for our kids to see the love between us.

Its things like this that anger me about people who make assumptions based on my age. I could eventually adopt. I could met the man of my dreams in the next 5 minutes and we could end up getting married and having kids. From this moment on I realize that you really shouldn't share your personal business to your coworkers. My business is my business and no one else's. I understand that you should be able to work with your co-workers and have connections for a better environment but this person is just too much for me.

I always refer to the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” when something someone does or says really stings deep. This was definitely one of those occasions. I guess its not just about kids but actually finding my love. I'm glad I did stand up for myself and always look from the outside in and ask myself what would I do if I heard this said to someone else. I'd be supportive and thank God that this person has not control over their life.

Til the next time.

- Loree

2015 - New Goals

Hello Everyone-

2015 is upon us and its time for new goals and reevaluating my life. Four major goals are:

- Completing my first 1/2 Marathon
- Traveling More
- Going back to college
- Dating - Ongoing Saga of Finding the One

1/2 Marathon

So my first 1/2 Marathon. Unreal that I'm even saying it but yes I registered for two races. One in May and one in September but I've run into an issue. I injured my knee on January 27th. I had an injury when I was training for the Marine Corp 10K in 2013 in my calf and had to skip my Marine Corps 10K I was SO upset to say the least. But I took off running for a couple of months and returned stronger than ever I believe and did the race a year later. I thought it was caused by hills (running up and down hills for strength and endurance training) I did with my running group but I believe my running coach is right that it probably was an underlying problem I've had for a while because I've been feeling deep pains in that area for few months at night. So I didn't run for four days and did a 5K on Sunday, February 8th. I felt good afterwards, the day after, but the second day oh boy my knee was hurting. So I did a ridiculous amount of research online. One thing I've noticed is the internet is incredible when it comes to information and overwhelming at the same time. What I've gathered is that everyone's situation can be different and you shouldn't compare your situation to anyone else. You HAVE to listen to YOUR body. So I'm taking this as a learning experience. Learning about my body and what it can and can't do. So I decided it was time to go see the doctor.

So after two weeks I went to my family doctor and she didn't feel any warmth on my knee but saw a little swelling and thought I should get a sonogram so she referred me to a Rhematologist. After receiving a sonogram from the Rhematologist (my doctor was with me as well) he found no fluid, just a little swelling so it was most likely Runner's Knee which he felt would go away eventually. Bad for me because I wanna run now but I'm thinking with my glass half full cause it could have been worse. But his next words are what broke my heart, he said I may need to find another sport and stop running. As you know (or may not know) I weighed 70 lbs more then I do now and lost the weight with Weight Watchers and reached my goal November 2012. I only started running in 2013. The statistic is every lb of weight loss releases 4 lbs of pressure on your knees. So I had 280 lbs of pressure on my knees for about 15 years of my life which seems unreal to me. I've NEVER had knee issues before and now he's saying running is making it worse! After the Rheumatolgist left the room I burst into tears. Being overweight and finally losing it, then falling in love with running that continues to keep the weight off, its scary to hear that you may not be able to do it anymore. After I had a good cry with my regular doctor (who stayed with me after the Rudematolgist left - pun intended) she said don't cut out running just yet so she referred me to a Physical Therapist who specializes in runners to check my knee out and to let me know what I should really not do and don't rule out running out yet. I love my doctor she is the best.

I went to my physical therapist and she says it looks like my quads on my left leg got to tight which pulled on the muscle over my knee and screwed up the alignment. So I've been doing PT for three weeks and feel much better. I ran for the first time yesterday, March 17th (St. Patty's Day) and today I feel good. I think that fear of making it worse is freaking me out but baby steps you know. For sure the 1/2 Marathon in May in Delaware is cancelled. It's funny, I registered for insurance for that race but not the one in September. So with a doctor's note I can get a refund for the race in May. The goal is to complete a 10 K at the end of April and a 5 K the second week of May. Continue doing strength training and running to prepare for my 1/2 Marathon in September. Eye on the prize I say. Will keep you posted!

Traveling More

So life is short as they say and as I'm getting older I realize now is the time to do what I want because you never know what tomorrow will bring. I have 2 trips planned this year. One for my birthday in NYC and Las Vegas in April. I'm very excited and look forward to enjoying each.








Going Back to College

I believe learning is a lifelong event. You never should stop learning. So I decided to go back to school and obtain my Graduate Degree Certificate in Database Systems Technology. I'm pretty good with computers and learning programs pretty quickly so I thought this would be my next step. Will keep you posted on my career progress with this.





Dating

Here's another year of being single. Man I feel like the men interested in me are either too young or too mature or have a short attention spans. Its so frustrating being a single women in this time and age with the internet again, I feel like people feel they have endless options and that they don't spend the time romancing people anymore. They can just go on to the next chick. I mean I know individuals who are getting married, moving in together, dating, its happening but I don't know. Its a struggle and I don't want to be single forever I really don't. So I'm going to focus on my love life again this Summer. It's been way too long and I'm way to fabulous to be single :) Will keep you updated on this as well.

Til the next time!

-Loree

Marine Corp 10K

Hello, its been a while! Well I feel like I had to write something out because in a few days I am doing the Marine Corp 10K! Last year I couldn't do it because I pulled a serious hamstring in my right leg and was limping like crazy but now I'm so excited and so ready. I'm sure I've said this before but to say that I would love running later on in life I would've thought you were nuts. In high school I was in the art crowd. Exercise equaled torture. But now its not only a great stress reliever, I like to see it as thanking God for giving me the tools to be able to do this. I love setting a goal and actually seeing the end result of all the training and hard work.

So I wish everyone luck for Sunday's race you 10Kers and you Marathon runners. Its going to be awesome. Honestly the goal is to reflect this energy and great thoughts to my love life and my work life. I want each day to be a sunny day within (corny as it may sound) because honestly tomorrow isn't promised to all of us. I am reminded of this every day.

Til the next time! New goals and bucket list items soon to come..

- Loree

Your Purpose

As the late Nelson Mandela had said "Death is something inevitable. When a man has done what he considers to be his duty to his people and his country, he can rest in peace. I believe I have made that effort and that is, therefore, why I will sleep for the eternity."With the death of Paul Walker, a great man in his own right with his foundation Reach Out Worldwide http://www.roww.org/ and the death of Nelson Mandela South African anti-apartheid revolutionary, politician and philanthropist and President of South Africa from 1994 to 1999 - would make anyone, I feel, take assessment of his or her own life. If I were to die in the next 60 seconds, would I

1. Be happy the way I left things?
2. Have done most of the things I wanted to do?
3. Let those that I care about know how I truly feel?

The anwser to that would be no. And of course I believe as humans we always feel we could have done more, we could have traveled more, loved more, done more for others and etc. Unfortunately, I've been feeling rather blue. Don't know if I should blame it on the time of the month or being single once again during the holidays. I feel selfish doing so because there are those who are no longer able to do either because they are no longer of this earth. I'm getting exhausted with letting myself down and I try to be my own best friend but I've been awful as of late. With the injury to my hamstring a couple of months ago and not being as active as I used to be I feel is creating this huge blue period I'm feeling now. I'm so tired of my complaints and I know that I shouldn't be so hard of myself but who likes a complainer? I do feel much better when I blog my feelings out but feel like actions speak louder than blah blah blah ya know?

I know I am the ruler of my happiness, the one who decides what will excite me and what is a waste of my time. Granted no one is perfect and there will be those times where not trying something will lead to regret, I just feel out of sync. Like I should be in one place but I'm stuck and can't get my foot out of the continuous everyday mundane tasks I call my current life.


It's warm, safe and cuddly in my lonely space. It's easy, no chance of rejection, of feeling lower than I already am. But that's called existing not living. The terms networking, socializing and flirting equal bungee jumping, testing out the highest roller coaster in the world, singing in front of 20,000 people, all of these scenarios freak me the hell out. BUT I know the more I do something the more it becomes habit and the easier it gets. So the key is to plan something and DO NOT PROCRASTINATE. Which I've been good with but not so much these past two months. 

Just realized something today. Today a person at my workplace who is in a higher position as I answered a question for me (regarding me) without my input. Of course SHE can do that, its perfect. Ummm I am in the same room as you and I do have vocal chords can I answer that question? This made me realize how this person sees me in their eyes. I'm so insignificant that my opinion doesn't count, make a list, she'll do it. This solidified how this person sees me as an employee not co-worker (although I knew it all along) but also made me see that I could and will not work for this person in the future. Thank goodness this person is not my immediate supervisor and I could see that my immediate supervisor didn't appreciate the way this  person spoke in my place but it makes me want to do what I've been saying I want to do all along, and that's find a career with more authority.

I'm working on it and for some reason I realize I need to be present in my PRESENT life and stop staking my happiness and all my success for the future.

I believe I need to plan more, workout more and have faith in myself more. I need to snap out of it. I've been using this saying as of late, "It is what it is," when I have to do something I HATE like going to the Dentist, going to the OBGYN, basically anything that deals with poking areas I don't wanted poked by a medical professional. I need a mantra for getting out of my comfort zone. After much research I believe I've found my mantra, "I define myself by my character not my circumstance."

So fear is my motivator, I gotta try the opposite of what I've been doing. The Constanza effect (episode where George from Seinfeld did everything the opposite of what he normally does and finds success). 

Til the next time! I got a great feeling about this :)

- Loree

Upcoming 10K Roadblock and Online Dating FAIL!

Monday, October 14, 2013

I think the only thing I have been really focused on lately is my training for my first 10k. I took a two month running class that has been awesome. I've learned a lot. I'm running up to 5 miles and I'm feeling really good about it. I actually ran in the rain TWICE. WHO AM I? :)  Now before my 10K has started I have my eye on the Cherry Blossom 10 Miler. My 10 k (6.2 miles) is in two weeks and I must say "BRING IT ON!" I'm so ready.

Secondly, I have been drawing in this book called "642 Things to Draw." I'm up to a String Quartet and I must say it has been very therapeutic so has the running. Man I love discovering new things that I love, its the best. Amazing what the world has to offer if you just open our eyes to it.

**********PLOT TWIST!

November 6, 2013

So guess what happened a week before my 10K....I pulled a hamstring muscle and couldn't run it! I got really teary eyed the day of the Marine 10K and could not watch any coverage on it I was sooooo sad. But as my running coaches have told me injury is part of the running game. So I've been told by my doctor to rest my leg for 3 weeks not overextending my leg or cardio involving rapid movement of my leg.

Let me tell you, I work out everyday and not using my leg to do what I usually do has made me very creative when trying to stay active. My pants were feeling a bit tighter and my stomach was not as taunt as it used to be and I ended up gaining 8 lbs which sucked! But I am a girl with a goal and I will not let this one setback bring me back to my prior behavior. So I've been lifting hand weights, doing various abdominal exercises which is basically all I can do for now and I've lost about 5 lbs! After the 3 weeks are over I'll get to do my running again which I cannot wait to do! But I understand that I have to take it slow and stretching is key. Man I really miss it. I'm so jealous when I see runners on my way to work, so now I've fallen in love with running. Who would've thought? Not me! So Marine Corps 10K you will be on my vision board next year NO DOUBT.

So an update on my Vision Board :

1. Being More Spiritual
2. Marine Corps Marathon October 2014
3. Celebrating my birthday in NYC 2014
4. Reading books I own 
5. Reading the the whole Bible
6. Learning to ride a Bike
7. Visiting the beach once a year
8. Skip TV once a week
9. Improve writing skills
10. Continue painting and drawing

For the month of November I plan on focusing on #'s 4, 5 and 8 (which I think would help #'s 4 & 5). I also want to finally plan my birthday in NYC that I've been wanting to do for years.

As far as my romantic life I'm taking a bit of a break with the online dating. I've suspended all my dating accounts yesterday and going to give it a rest for a week and see how that goes. I feel like these guys online engage you, your talking then boom, they disappear. I'm not totally blaming them, I know I have a bit to do with it as well.  I mean I stopped talking to a guy because he like the television show "Revolution," on NBC. Seriously! Petty thy name is well anyway.....A great quote came up on Pinterest "Don't Look for Things You Aren't Ready to Find." That made me think damn am I really ready for dating? I mean life is going on around me, people are moving in together, getting married, having babies and I'm still trying to find myself? Uggg I think I need to continue to work on myself and what I love and I'll find him. I feel like this online dating makes it too easy for people to sugar coat things aren't really honestly representing themselves. 

But that doesn't mean that if I meet him along the way I won't pursue it. Also, I have a bad habit of checking dating sites several times a day like how Farmville was a crazy addiction to folks when it was first introduced on Facebook. But I do believe I need to apply the same vigor I have with my weight loss, running, and drawing to my love life. I need to find it fun and enjoyable as it should be. But I'm so frustrated, I feel like its a task that I don't want to do because I expect the worst.

I overthink that's what I do!

Anywho til the next time. 

Loree

New Vision Board & New Outlook on Dating

So my little brother got married on August 3, 2013 and it was a beautiful, fun wedding. I didn't get any questions regarding when am I getting married or anything like that, I think people were more focused on my weight loss. Most of my extended family saw me 75 lbs ago so that was enough to halt the questions which I much appreciated. With that I decided to revise my Vision Board and I also realize that I created my last vision board last August which is funny :) But I digress My previous vision board consisted of:

1. Dating More
2. Being more spiritual
3. Finding a Job I love
4. Socializing More
5. Paying off my debt (which was hard without a full time job)
6. Taking steps to obtain my masters in what not sure yet
7. Visiting a museum at least once a month
8. Traveling more (see reason on #5)
9. Planning the purchase of my own place (see reason #5)
10. Learning German
11. Learning Spanish
12. Owning a Dodge Challenger
13. Singing Karaoke at a Bar

Now looking at this list with fresh eyes and a year letter, it was wayyyyyyyyy overwhelming. It's more of a bucket list then a Vision Board. I think I looked about this all wrong. Rather than putting all my goals on the board for years to come, like my weight loss, I should do it in increments. That is what can I accomplish in the next month to 3 months. Once I achieve those check it off or put a sticker on it, whatever, show that I have accomplished that goal. I think having all of it at once screwed me because it was just too much.  So out of the list I accomplished the following:

1. Dating More - Went on 2 dates which is sad but a HUGE effort on my part since I haven't dated in years. Yes Years.

3. Just started a job in June and I really like it. I'm learning a lot about the financial industry which low and behold my degree is in. So all things considered I'm great for now.

5. Starting doing this 2 weeks after starting my job. One credit card down, 3 to go and 1 car bill. I won't even broach the subject that is my school loans.

7. I have gone to a few museum and gallery openings each month so I'm proud of myself there. Haven't done so in August. Will correct that soon.

And that's it folks. Kinda of disappointing but now I'm looking at it completely differently. Below is my BRAND NEW AND SHINY Vision Board:

1. Being More Spiritual
2. Completing my first 10K
3. Celebrating my birthday in NYC 2014
4. Reading books I own 
5. Reading the the whole Bible
6. Learning to ride a Bike
7. Visiting the beach once a year
8. Skip TV once a week
9. Improve writing skills
10. Continue painting and drawing

Simple, obtainable. I believe so.

"Prison is in the mind. When your mind is in prison it really doesn't matter where your sitting." I just heard this quote from a British television show "Waking the Dead." A crime show. That quote is so astounding because of the way I've been feeling about my life.

*Note: I created this post in mid-August and never posted it so another blog is soon to follow.

Let the good times roll! and til the next time.

- Loree